2015: Lies

Torrent of diarrhea

By Benjamin Tomkins
Photo: “Trump has managed to insult twice as many people as Hitler, and that’s assuming that Hitler was categorically hated by everyone in the known universe.”

There is a reason Father Time only makes it a year before he hacks his head off with a scythe and turns over the future to an infant. After listening to the torrent of diarrhea tumbling out of the mouths of some of our planet’s best and brightest like Willy Wonka’s choco-falls, I’m surprised he hasn’t cut February down to a few hours just to get life over with faster. I actually went through multiple pairs of biohazard-grade waders fly fishing the sewage treatment plant that is public discourse to put these on the dinner plate, so I hope you enjoy “Benny’s Top 5 Lies of 2015.”

5. “It is my deep care for FIFA and its interests, which I hold very dear, that has led me to take this decision.” – Sepp Blatter, Former FIFA President, June 2

Anytime someone is forced to resign from an organization and then faces corruption charges, it probably wasn’t because of their selfless love of the game. But hey, don’t take it from me:

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman and resign the presidency effective noon tomorrow because there’s nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska, so I invoke Mother Mary, so that she may assist the Cardinal Fathers in electing a new Supreme Pontiff.”

Yeah. Thanks for that.

4. “Climate change can no longer be denied or ignored.” – Barack Obama, April 18

You know, you say that … Virtually all the scientists in the world not being paid to debunk it seem to be in agreement, and scientists seem to be excellent at knowing “things,” but I wonder: is it actually possible to deny or ignore climate change? And if so, where might one look to find someone thick enough to give it a try? Oh wait, I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Ted Cruz: “I just came back from New Hampshire where there’s snow and ice everywhere … many of the alarmists on global warming, they’ve got a problem because the science doesn’t back them up.”

Apparently all those fancy satellites and computers are just another example of big government waste, when scientists could have just gone to the coldest part of the country in the dead of winter and patronized us. Ass.

3. “For the first time in 100 generations, we, the Jewish people, can defend ourselves.” – Benjamin Netenyahu, March 3, joint session of Congress

Where is Woody Allen’s stereotypical comedy when you need it? A recent batch of unclassified US documents exposed that Israel has had nuclear weapons since 1987, except everyone already knew that. Frankly, the only thing that was more ridiculous is that he said it in front of the U.S. Congress, as if they weren’t the ones holding the receipt.

Just in case anybody forgot, during the Six-Day War, which Israel started with a massive surprise attack, they ran Egypt out of the Sinai and sent the rest of the Levant back to whatever territory they had left with their tank barrels tucked between their legs. Ever since then they’ve been violating the Fourth Geneva Convention by allowing crazy Zionist Messiah whores to establish settlements in occupied territory and occasionally attempting to extirpate the Palestinian diaspora.

2. “Champ—beautiful work!” – Edmond Tarverdya, trainer of Ronda Rousey, Nov. 14

I’ve heard a lot of bad advice in corners before, but this was just a mouth guard dipped in feces. Ronda came back to the corner after the first round with a face that looked like she had used it to plug a leak in an airplane window at 35,000 feet, plopped down on her stool like a dump truck emptying a two-ton load of ham off a cliff, and spat a cup of blood and snot all over her own feet. First words out of her trainer’s mouth?

Quality.

Even her own mother would have sweetly reminded her to “please, if it’s not too much trouble, kindly stop doing everything you just did and start biting Holly in the face like it’s rare lamb chop night in Hannibal Lecter’s upstairs apartment cage.”

Oh, and to the editors of The Ring magazine who put her on the cover of the world’s premier boxing magazine, my hat is off. Your poster child just got picked apart in the cage by a boxer who didn’t even break a sweat.

Touch ’em up next time, Rowdy.

And now, the main event!

1. “I’m a nice guy, really.” – Donald Trump, July 12

This was the hardest lie to pin down, because it was nigh on impossible to figure out which fly to swat that would kill all the other ones. The man has managed to categorically insult 200 million Hispanics, the entirety of the 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide, all of womankind—a mere 51 percent of humanity—his opponents, the media, his own party, most people’s intelligence and the idea that facts are real and can be known.

All said and done, and only counting women once, he’s directly insulted over 70 percent of the entire world’s population—more than 5 billion people. Given that in 1945 the Earth’s total population was about 2.5 billion, Trump has managed to insult twice as many people as Hitler, and that’s assuming that Hitler was categorically hated by everyone in the known universe plus another 60 million from beyond the grave.

Trump is right about one thing: he’s a winner. Happy 2016!

Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach him at BenTomkins@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach Ben Tomkins at BenTomkins@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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