St. Patrick’s Day

Officers spoke with a man who said he was attacked for no reason. After collecting information, officers moved on to investigate a call from a fellow officer about a bar fight within the same area. The officers tried to see if there was a connection between the two reports. They asked the man involved in the bar fight what happened, and he said the disagreement was mutual. Officers asked if the man was intoxicated at the time. He said he wasn’t and that he only had five beers throughout the day. They then asked him about the account of speaking to an officer earlier in the day, and he said he didn’t recall that. They penciled in his details: “not intoxicated, but can’t remember earlier conversations.” On top of that, the man had stitches from the fight, but he didn’t know how many. Officers wrote that the man had lack of perception and couldn’t count. They wondered whether he was truly intoxicated or had a case of the St. Patty’s Day celebration bug.

Battle of the bulge

A man and woman entered a department store and walked down an aisle together. The man took his wife’s purse and told her to keep watch at the end of the aisle. The husband began to shove as many things into the purse as possible. The wife acted as the lookout, but a camera was watching her. An employee discovered the couple and intercepted them as they tried to leave. The husband held the purse up, which was abnormally lumpy, and he told the employee his bag was normally that bulgy. He thought it was an airtight plan because every husband holds his wife’s overly stuffed purse at one point or another. The employee said she would contact police if they didn’t surrender, but the couple blew past her and ran out of the store. The employee awaited police in order to turn over the videotape and have them track down the bulgy-bagged man.


A truck driver towed a car from a car lot because it was illegally parked. The next day, the owner of the car arrived at the impound lot with a friend who had left items in the car the night before and needed them back. The owner of the car gave the tow truck driver her keys, and they walked over to it. The owner then attempted to swipe her keys back from the tow truck driver and make a clean get away, but missed. The truck driver told her to stay away while he retrieved the items from the car for the friend. The owner of the car chose to push the tow-truck man instead. She claimed she would take another car from the lot and ram down the gate to get her car back, if that’s what it took. Feeling outnumbered, the tow truck driver retreated to his vehicle on a nearby street. As he got into his truck, the owner of the car used the driver’s truck door to hit him. The man managed to escape into his truck and called the police. Soon, the woman would face the same fate as her car—apprehension and detention.

Knock-knock, who’s there?

A man was seated within his residence when he heard a bump at his front door. He got up to investigate the commotion. When he arrived at the front door, he saw no one. He stepped outside and still didn’t see anyone. Annoyed, he made his way back into his house and went about his business. As soon as he sat down again, he heard another loud thud and a crash come from the front door. He got up again and this time saw broken glass and a rock, but no one in the area. Annoyed by the back and forth, the man decided to make a report. If someone was trying to get his attention with a romantic pebble throwing gesture, they shouldn’t have picked such a heavy rock.

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Reach DCP freelance writer Ehron Ostendorf at

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