A Quick Note on Quixtar

Y es, it is a pyramid scheme.  Sorry.  The only difference between Quixtar and, say, an email chain letter fishing for idiots to send you their kids’ college funds, is that you make everyone in the pyramid switch from regular supermarket toilet paper to Amway brand toilet paper.  That’s how the cash keeps flowing.  Every poor douchebag along the way is buying fifty packs of cereal and jumbo vitamin bottles so they aren’t just giving cash away.  This little tweak allows you to perpetrate the system.  This, by the way, is why Amway and its affiliates deal mostly in consumables like cosmetics and diet pills.  It’s s-t people keep blowing through and will consistently buy more of. 

Of course, if you own Amway or Quixtar, you are doublely set this way.  Not only do you get all the profit from selling your pyramid of minions  four-thousand-count packs of water, but you have actually convinced these poor bastards to give you a part of their commission as well.  How s-tty is that?  That’s like a restaraunt making all the profit off the food markup and then taking half the tip money they had nothing to do with in the first place.  Variations on this are companies like Cutco that make the salespeople buy a demonstration set of knives for $147.  Who cares how much you sell?  Whether you sell a billion dollars worth of product or none at all, the bottom line for Cutco is you were worth at least $143 bucks after they deduct the $5 overhead of their s-tty cutlery.  I mean, if you let people do that to you, I guess it’s a free country.   

Ultimately, here’s the issue.  You are never going to make any real cash off of selling baby wipes and everyone in the company knows it. Sure, a few pennies here and there, but nothing serious.  For some context,  in a 1 hr conversation I spent with asshole who tried to induct me into Quixtar, approximately 2 minutesof that was went to talking about what Quixtar actually sells and that was only because I asked.  The reason is obviously because it doesn’t matter what the products are.  From what little he said, it looks like if he sells a $400 skid of Bisquick he makes about $3 bucks after the company recoups the product costs and diseminates about $250 in kickbacks to everyone above him in the pyramid.   Besides, at the point someone needs that many chicken breasts at once they’re probably just going to Costco rather than having it delivered online.  No, when someone like the asshole who tried to make me one of his Quixtar bitches gave me the sales pitch, he presented the pyramid scheme angle and talked to me about how ‘real money’ is made.   He then proceeded to explain that many people who are religious find it amoral to induct people into something like this, he declared that he belongs to a church just like they do: 

 “The Church of Making Money.”

I swear to whatever diety you believe in, that is an exact quote from the man’s mouth.

So he drew his little pyramid diagram, and it looks pretty easy.  You are this one guy, you get two guys, they each get two guys, and pretty soon you retire and move to Portugal by the sea because you have your own little empire of Quixtar minions.  This can be done, he assured me, and many before him had lived and died this way. 

But here’s the problem.  The whole Quixtar or Amway or whateverf-k thing only looks good when you see it out of context.  I mean, if everyone can do it, why is it so hard to find people?  Thousands of other people did it?  Why not you?

Here’s why.  Let’s say you work for Sears.  Sears employs ‘X’ number of people, and there is one guy at the top who owns it all.  Now yes, it is shaped like a pyramid just like Quixtar, but unlike Quixtar you can get a promotion and move upwards in the company.   Jo Blow at Sears doesn’t need to find three other morons to work for him at his own mini Sears to get ahead.  Plus, all the money goes to the top and is then parceled out to the employees in an orderly fashion.   If you get a raise it’s because you improved the company, not because you expanded it.

In Quixtar, there is no getting ahead.  What looks like moving up in the pyramid is actually just the pyramid getting bigger beneath you.  Now they’ll show a diagram that shows you at the top of your own little heap of pigs, but they never show you the big picture where you have about a million little piggies who are standing on your shoulders getting fatter and fatter by the second, or the three billion sheep next to you who are all trying to get at the fifty saps left in the world who actually think this is a good idea.  And how did you end up in this position?  Take a look.

Let’s say there’s 1000 little piggies in this world right now dumb enough to engage in this kind of idiocy.  Now the least dumb of them realizes one day, “oh wait, hang on, I just figured out a great way to get all these assholes who are dumber than me to give me money for not doing a damn thing.”  So he starts “Quicktard”, and sets about finding two minions to do his bidding.

Now Retard Prime here has his choice of 999 other even bigger retard pigs, and it’s going to be really, really easy to pick two and move on with his business strategy.  For each of those two to find two more piggies each should be a piece of cake, because they’ve still got 997 piglets standing at the trough of failure eating rotten corn cobs and diaper s-t they can conscript.

Those 4 have 993 to chose from.

those 8 have  985

those 16 have 969

those 32 have 937

those 64 have 873

those 128 have 745

those 256 have 489… and oh s-t wait a second.  That means our company has 511 people in it. At this critical point, at the 9th level of management, we’ve got more people in the company than outside.  Now as successful as the guys above them look, the bottom line is there’s no possible way all 256 of these hogs to get two more each.  All of a sudden our business proposal just got really, really s-tty, because not only are they going to have to compete for the remaining pigs, but they’re sending most of the profits upwards to the other pigs in the pyramid even though they will be unable to perpetuate the system for themselves.   Well, f-k it.  Let’s keep going. 

Now, those 489 truffle-rooters who end up on our tenth rung don’t have any way to improve their situation unless the farmer buys a few new hogs AND at least one of them is a f-king looney idiot.  And even if it happens, then A) the competition for Newpig will be intolerable and the ultimate reward paltry, and B) to do that they’re also going to have to somehow convince Newpig there’s a future in all this when a quick peek around at the desolation of the sty will inform him there clearly isn’t.  Besides, even if Newpig busts his balls to find every idiot pig in the country and gets a thousand pigs to be his minions, Newpig will still have to pay kickbacks on every single one of them to the pig above him who only enrolled Newpig. 

That’s the ultimate bulls-t of the deal: You do a thousand times more work than the guy above you in an environment that is a million times less receptive than the one he faced, and he still makes more money than you.  No wonder the douchebag from Quixtar talked about religion so much.

Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach Ben Tomkins at BenTomkins@DaytonCityPaper.com.

One Response to “A Quick Note on Quixtar” Subscribe