Ask Rocco: 07/07

Paleo: primitive stupidity

By Rocco Castellano

 

For years, I’ve been itching to write this column but I couldn’t bring myself to squash the fitness community’s big Paleo circle-jerk. “This is the way we ate back when we were cave dwellers and that’s how it should be now,” these Paleo people say…

1) Get the f— out of here. Cavemen, or Neanderthals—something I have been called at times—lived and roamed the earth and died off about 35,000 years ago.

2) There has been evidence that for about 5,000 years Neanderthals and modern Europeans actually co-existed, until Neanderthals died off. There is no significant science to state that Europeans or Neanderthals ate anything near what the Paleo diet suggests. All the gurus say that we were hunter-gatherers. OK, Mr. f—ing hunter-gatherer, do you even understand that concept?

You went out with your buddies in loincloths and tried to bring home anything edible. Back then animals were much smarter and had instinct on their side, which made for a very empty homecoming most of the time. So if you want to face a little reality, Paleo should actually mean starving until you catch something edible. Humans wound up waiting a long time for meat to come their way… and were more fruitarians and leaf eaters than Paleo diet followers. Unless they found a fossil and thought it might be a good snack.

Now, I eat grass-fed beef, bison and wild game as much as I can but that isn’t because my ancestors supposedly ate it. It’s because it tastes better when I cook it than factory farm meat. If the idiots that made McDonald’s hamburgers were able to make it taste like $78 an ounce Kobe beef I’d probably eat it. Since it’s made with practically dead cattle ground up into little meat patties and tastes like shit, I’ll stay away from it. Wild game and grass-fed it is, because of the essential omega-3 fatty acids that help me not die of cancer, obviously one of the many benefits and one that I personally like.

I want to address the sugar and grains aspect of the Paleo diet because when most people speak about it, I feel like vomiting. I’ll hit the grains first because sugar may take me into next week’s column. Yes, I agree with Mark Sisson from Mark’s Daily Apple, that grains were not part of our historical diet and didn’t really become a staple into our diet until Dr. Kellogg, yes that Kellogg, you know, Tony the f—ing Tiger’s boss up in Battle Creek, Michigan published worldwide studies about how cereal is a great source of calories and provides a balance to our diet and “breaks” the “fast.”

In all honesty, agriculture in Europe pretty much f—ed us up. Farmers and people in general began utilizing wheat as a source of sustenance only about 1,200 years ago. Yep, just shy of how long Jesus walked the earth. As much as you want to believe the Bible when they talk about loaves of bread, nope, not really. Think of unleavened or yummy pita bread. That’s most likely what the Son of Man was giving out to the masses when he was performing miracles.

But still, it was very rare and most people ate whatever was around—even a cricket or grasshopper. Or a berry or leaf from a f—ing bush they happened to pass on their way to school, synagogue or to the river to bathe. I have never been a big fan of grains, but not because the dinosaurs wouldn’t let me eat it, more importantly because toxins and digestive irritants are more prevalent now than when our craniums were sloped. The processing of seeds and grains today creates a very toxic environment for your bowels and cells. The only bread I eat is sourdough, because the sourdough processing quells all the irritants and makes it more easily digestible.

I might as well get to sugar now, or else I’ll never have enough room in the column to give you a real clue.

Every major system in the body needs sugar to perform its task. Sugar is the base of energy in our bodies. So when some f—ing idiot say’s you can’t eat sugar except for fruit I would like to slap them upside the head with a tuber—or as the rest of us humans call it, a sweet potato. Hmmm… tomatoes have sugar in them, peppers, carrots all have sugar. What most people don’t understand is that it is not sugar that is the enemy—it’s the way we humans pair up sugar with other fun things like flour to make yummy cupcakes. Then wash it down with puss infected factory pumped pasteurized—making it actually unfit for human consumption—milk.

The problem with Paleo is that it’s the same bullshit wrapped in sordid truth to make everyone believe it to be the gospel according idiots. Think about getting as close to nature as possible, but also realize that living in a modern society as hunters and gathers is idiotic at worst and stupid at best. The closest thing to hunting and gathering we do is walking into a local Kroger and picking a plastic-wrapped slab of meat. Back then most people starved to death. Be happy to live as we do now and don’t eat like you’re going to the chair. And eat a carrot every now and then.

 

The views and opinions expressed in Ask Rocco are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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