Ask Rocco: 07/14

The Great Water Sham of 2015

By Rocco Castellano

 

I’ve always been intrigued at how bottled water took off like a rocket when everyone who had intelligence believed that it would be an absolute flop. Why would someone pay for water in a plastic bottle when you can just go to a water fountain or your nearest water faucet and fill up a glass?

All logic pointed to a really bad idea, except that bottled water companies used some really clever marketing to scare the shit out of us so we thought it was not only better to drink water from a bottle, but necessary. As an entrepreneur, I applaud the marketing, but detest it at the same time. As someone who understands the science behind the marketing, it does kind of suck that the municipalities in many of the largest cities or surrounding areas add fluoride into their drinking water—the bottled water companies jumped on this fact and many of the negative studies regarding the use of fluoridated water. I’m actually opposed to fluoridated water. There is no reason for it. Not when toothpaste packed with fluoride can be bought for under a dollar at any grocery store. That’s another argument for another time.

Besides the fluoride and toxic levels of arsenic, chlorine, hexavalent chromium, lead and aluminum killing us slowly through our water faucet, the fitness movement created a need for portable water—and the idea caught on.

From picnics to soccer games, kids and soccer moms were carrying portable plastic bottles of water. But what do we do with all those plastic petroleum-based bottles? That’s right, litter our streets, lakes and landfills, or be a good soul and recycle them into stupid shit like lamps and plastic toys.

Then came filtration systems and the now-famous Brita pitcher to help us cut back on all the plastic bottles we were throwing away. So now that bottled water purchases are on the decline, what is a bottled water company to do?

Answer: create a product that really doesn’t matter and no one will contest—Alkalized Water.

There are alkalized water companies popping up all over the place because of studies that point to higher alkalinity in the body being better for you than the frequently acidic body the average American possesses.

Now, please understand that is not rhetoric. Higher body or cellular alkalinity (or “keeping your body in an alkaline state”) will always be better for you. A higher alkaline level kills emerging cancer cells, combats free radicals and keeps toxins at bay and a host of other benefits, including reduction in candida yeast formations. Candida yeast is the culprit in many skin conditions, allergies and brain dysfunctions. So it’s a good thing to squash when you can. The issue I have with these alkalized water companies is they intentionally bullshit the consumer.

One company that annoys the shit out of me is Real Water based out of Las Vegas. The source of the water is the Las Vegas Municipal Water Supply. Almost all bottled water comes from a municipal source and is filtered in many different ways and then bottled. The problem with this product is that the pH level is nowhere near what it says on the bottle, when it actually touches your lips. I asked the company why, and they told me to “read the bottle.” So I did. That’s when I really wanted to punch the shit out of the asshole that I spoke to. On the bottle it says in very small print, way smaller than the “8.0 pH” that is printed in, like, 100-point font, “Average at time of MFG.”

This means that at the exact time that they put the water in the bottle it may have been 8.0 pH… “May have been,” being the important phrase here. On average, the pH level was anywhere from 6.5 to 7.2, nowhere near the 8.0 that was advertised so bold on the bottle.

What’s very funny in this equation is that the Las Vegas Water Supply that comes out of the tap has an alkaline or pH level of 7.5 and sometimes higher. This just in from the useless information desk: Almost all municipal water supplies have to have a pH level of 7.0 or higher. If the water were on the acidic side as it used to be… pipes all over the city would be bursting from corrosion. Alex, can I have “What’s in our water supply” for $200?

On the surface, water with a pH level of 8.0 would be cool. But if you really want a healthy alkalinized water, grab your Brita pitcher and add some lemon to it. Drink some lemonade or orange juice, or eat a f—ing salad you lazy piece of shit. Or just waste two dollars a bottle on fake alkalized water. Just for shits and giggles, most alkalized water is electrified with either titanium or ionized. Some are just infused with minerals. Yep, just like in the olden days when water actual had minerals in it. Now we put them in after we filter the shit out of the water. Hmm… I’m just wondering why these idiots don’t just go up to Maine and get some real alkalized water done by nature; you know, water flowing over, I don’t know, f—ing rocks and naturally infused with minerals. Whatever happened to the good old days when bottled water came in five gallon, heavy-as-shit glass containers and were usually bottled at the source, most likely a stream or spring?

The views and opinions expressed in Ask Rocco are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

 

Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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Rocco Castellano
Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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