Ask Rocco: 12/23

Eat, drink and be f**king merry … please

By Rocco Castellano
The one thing I can’t stand during the holiday season is when the exercise, diet and nutrition Nazis come out of the woodwork like cockroaches at night to proclaim that you need to “be careful” during the holidays. I have to get it out there: Shut the F**k up! You sound like a dumb blonde telling a blonde joke, and not getting it.

The holidays are just that: the holidays. It’s winter. You’re wearing layer upon layer, and the most skin you will show is your hands and face. Unless you have Elephantitis, this probably won’t matter to anyone … until you start screaming, “I am not an animal.”

Then they will scoop you up in one of those white vans carrying white-coated men, and your holiday won’t be so jolly.

I get sick and vomit a little in my mouth when I hear or read some idiot quoting some non-existent study or statistic that the average person gains 7-10 pounds over the holidays. If you ever hear that coming out of someone’s mouth, please punch them as hard as you can in that mouth and send me the bill for bail. It is absolutely untrue, and it will remain untrue, even if the idiots keep spewing this crap.

You will never, and I mean never, gain 7-10 pounds over the holidays. So if I ever see you “dieting” from Halloween to New Year’s, I will publish your name in my column as being a “Holiday-Dieting Idiot.” Well, as long as “Legal” lets me.

This statistic became gospel just like the “400,000 people die of obesity-related diseases every year” lies the CDC told. Someone made it up based on absolutely no fact, and the media ate it up (excuse the stupid pun).

Never in my life have I gained even a pound during the holidays, and I eat, drink, eat and drink, eat and drink some more like I’m going to the chair. And I make sure not to exercise during the holidays because, guess why, I’m eating, drinking and being f**king merry … That’s why.

Not a pound, seriously. I want to enjoy the holidays, not be counting calories.

I love to hear people are working out and trying as hard as they can to keep up with their workouts during the holidays, but let’s be realistic. If you are going to a bunch of parties like I do, with food and drink, or have a billion things to do, oh, like, getting gifts, running a household, taking little Johnny to football games, or little Sally to cheerleading practice, relax. Really.

It’s more important to be with your family, get all the holiday stuff done and not pile more stress into your life like, “Oh sh*t, I have to get my workout in,” or “Oh, I can’t eat that unbelievable shrimp cocktail because I don’t want to gain weight” stupidity.

And I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep up your workouts or watch what you are eating. Just don’t create unrealistic goals during the holidays and become a “Holiday-Dieting Idiot.” You will go to holiday parties that don’t serve “organic grass-fed beef” or chicken, gluten-free holiday pastries or fresh squeezed OJ for your Screwdriver. Relax. Enjoy the party and the people, and know that you will not die a horrible death for going against your workout Nazi’s guidelines.

There’s a bunch of months that make up the holiday season. In October, you got Halloween. If you tell me you haven’t stolen your kid’s candy or bought candy, just for the hell of it, especially Snickers and Sweet Tarts, you’re a liar. OK, those are my favorites, but you have yours, don’t lie. Then you have Thanksgiving. Really? Where you have to go to a deadbeat relative’s house because you’re too lazy to cook your own dinner and deal with people you love but would rather see dead in a ditch and have to listen to them talking about nothing you want to hear. So you gorge yourself with food and drink until you pass out. Yeah, blame it on the tryptophan in the turkey. Zzzzzzzzzzz…

Then there’s Black Friday. You have to get as much energy as you can, so you load up on carbs to get through the crowds and get that $200 washer and dryer set, an iPhone for your 12-year-old and that 100-inch TV for $1. It’s friggin’ stressful. You need to eat. Then, after that show, you need a drink, trust me. I’ll pour it for you.

Then the geeks out there feel the need to go crazy on Cyber Monday, and it’s like Ebay on crack. More food and definitely a drink when you can find all those insane deals you stayed up until 5 a.m. to capitalize on.

Of course, there’s a Christmas party almost every other day if you work or have at least one friend. When I was doing personal training full time, I was invited to at least 50 parties between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Either I have Alzheimer’s, or I was pretty drunk through the holidays. And if I was drunk, I was definitely eating. Again, not one pound.

This holiday, do me a favor: Eat, drink, be f**king merry and have a great time. Create memories, don’t go to jail … and know that the workout Nazis will still be as ignorant as ever. Merry Christmas and happy f**king New Year!

The views and opinions expressed in
Ask Rocco are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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