Ask Rocco

Every woman wants Kim Kardashian’s ass … until she has it

By Rocco Castellano

It’s amazing the questions I get asked. For years I have received questions asking me how female clients could get an ass like (insert celebrity with a great ass)’s ass. J-Lo, Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj come to mind. Now ever since Kim Kardashian decided to show the world nothing’s private when it comes to her body, I get calls and emails from no-assed women who think I can turn into David Copperfield and wave my magic wand … and poof … Kim Kardashian’s ass!

First: It’s definitely not that easy. Second: You probably don’t have the genetics.

I have some advice to many of the “white” women out there, unless you have some Armenian, Italian, Latino or African blood flowing through your veins, it’s going to be hard to instantly get an ass like J-Lo, Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj or Kim Kardashian. But for all you women out there not blessed with these genetics, I’ll do my best to help you out and give you the very best ass you can have on your body.

The average Midwestern woman has a “fat” ass. Basically a skin sack full of fat. This means it moves wide instead of up and out. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Now you don’t have to live with that. For nearly 10 years, I trained all the Miss Ohio USA and Miss Michigan USA women and, for a couple of years, Miss Maine USA and Miss Georgia USA to get ready for the big show on NBC.

One of the biggest challenges I had was to give these very “white,” Midwestern women symmetry. All of them had awesome figures, but their bottoms didn’t match their tops. All women, whether you’re in a beauty pageant, walking into a club or have 3 kids hanging from you like you’re a set of monkey bars, should always have symmetry.

It’s literally the most overlooked aspect so-called personal trainers miss when training women clients. I see so many trainers trying to get women to lose weight when they should be helping them build out their bodies. Stupid is as stupid does.

But let’s get back to Kim Kardashian’s ass. Well, not really, but I just like writing “Kim Kardashian’s ass.”

Like I said, the main challenge is genetics, and most Midwestern women just don’t have them. It’s OK – don’t cry. All is not lost. You can replace the big sack of fat with something better, so you don’t have to go through your closet trying on five hundred pairs of jeans, asking your significant other if you look fat in them. Just know you do and shut up. Your relationship will be much better for it.

Now there’s some warning I have to give you before you read any further. Once you get a great ass, it’s a lot of work to keep it up. Hence, “every woman wants Kim Kardashian’s ass … until she has it.”

If you’re not into hard work, quit reading and go have a donut. Once you have an ass to be admired by all, you have to promise me you will keep it up. Again, if you’re not willing, go eat a cheesy brat and shut up. Now that I have thinned the herd a bit and increased the sales of donuts and cheesy brats, let’s get down to business and produce the ass you could rest a beer can on.

Before we start, there’s some science, or pseudo-science, you need to know before you jump in … literally.

As I said earlier, your ass is most likely a skin sack, full of fat, cellulite popping out all over, and you are afraid to take your clothes off. That’s fine … but it’s the skin sack I’m concerned with. Your ass, if built properly, is supposed to be muscle, that’s all.

There are three parts to it, and they all have different functions. Yes, your ass, besides looking awesome and turning the opposite sex on, is supposed to actually do stuff or have functionality. Like I said, there are three parts: the Gluteus Minimus, the Gluteus Medius and the Gluteus Maximus. It’s funny because most women, if they took sixth-grade science, know the Gluteus Maximus, and that’s why their asses look like 2-by-12s were stuck down their pants. The Minimus and the Medius are very important in giving that shelf-like appearance, and taking away those “breeder hips.”

You need to fill that “skin sack” with as much muscle as you can, and there are very specific exercises you have to do in a specific order to build that ass of champions.

OK, maybe I need to calm down a little. If you scan the QR Code, I will give you my free “Insane Ass Builder Workout.”

But here are the basics:

One set of Mountain Climbers for 60 seconds, then a set of Fire Hydrants on the left leg for 60 seconds. Without resting, complete a set of Donkey Kicks for 60 seconds on the same leg, leg circles for 30 seconds one way and then 30 seconds the opposite way. Now switch to the right leg and do all the exercises I just told you to do. When finished, lunges for 60 seconds on each leg. (Do not alternate, that’s for wusses). For the finishing touches, an exercise I have been credited with inventing: Hip Splits for 120 seconds. Now for most of you in the real world, you most likely won’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

Scan the QR Code next to my cartoon and you will be able to download a free workout card from my website: roccocastellano.com.

The views and opinions expressed in Ask Rocco are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

Tags: , ,

Rocco Castellano
Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Got an Opinion?

YourOpinionMatters

We are interested to hear what you think.  Please send us a message.  

Irish Homecoming

3-Celtic Woman 18 jpg 2

Celtic Woman at Clark State gala The four women of Celtic Woman (L-R) Tara McNeill, Mairead Carlin, Éabha McMahon, and […]

BOOM goes your twenties!

image3-1

Dare to deny the passage of time at the Mathile Theatre (L-R) Jonathan (Bobby Mitchum) seeks help through his first […]

The woes of legal weed

775_5586162

Getting your “pot card” In addition to federal and state law, local ordinances may limit growers, dispensaries, and individuals. By […]

The graying of green

1420_5772728

Ambiguity and contradictions still plague marijuana laws Despite the new law going into effect, much remains to be done for […]

Girl, we couldn’t get much higher

20170513-DSC_0455

Evil Eye Gypsy brings psychedelic rock to South Park Tavern Evil Eye Gypsy (L-R) Cat Shift, Sherree Emmons, Aaron Snyder, […]