Conspiracy Theorist

2015 Year in Preview

By Mark Luedtke
I did a lot of fake research and fake interviews to gain insight into what to expect in the Dayton area next year, and I’m sorry to report things will continue to go downhill.

After the success of Beavercreek police officer Sean Williams in getting away with murder, he will guest star on TV’s How to Get Away With Murder, along with co-stars special prosecutor Mark Piepmeier and Attorney General Mike DeWine. When asked about the future episode, the show’s producer responded, “We’re grateful to have real people who committed a real murder on camera for God and everybody to see, and who got away with it, join the show. This is a great opportunity for us to learn how police routinely get away with murder in the real world, and we expect it will improve our ratings.”

Not wanting to be left out of the profiteering, Beavercreek police will offer seminars to police all over the state on how to get away with murder. Cleveland police, who have taken the pilot program and highly recommend it, have already tried it out, killing a 12-year-old boy who was playing with a toy gun at a rec center.

Dayton Public Schools Superintendent Lori Ward told me, to better serve future employers, she plans to replace all Dayton school counselors with former military recruiters and drill sergeants. “We provide such a terrible education to students, most can’t find work except in the military, so this will serve the students and their future employers. In addition, we’re going to require students to wear their military uniforms to graduation.” She chuckled, then continued, “The few who actually graduate, that is.”

Presumed valedictorian Susie Smart told me she plans to title her commencement speech, “Get Me the Heck Out of Here.” “There are so many opportunities elsewhere and so few here,” she told me. “There must be some unseen burden in Dayton and Ohio that keeps businesses from flourishing like they do elsewhere, but nobody knows what it is.” When asked if the burden might be taxes, the straight-A student replied, “What are taxes?”

I asked Ward to comment on Susie’s speech, and she said, “Susie can write? We haven’t taught reading and writing for years. If students learn to read and write, the terrorists win.”

Beavercreek police plan to invite Susie shopping.

I asked another student, Johnny Gunman, what he planned to do after graduation. “I’m going to Uranus to kill Putin,” He said. “Putin eats Uranian babies roasted on pitchforks, and everybody knows it, but Americans do nothing. I’m going to kill him good to protect American freedom.” When asked if he could point to Ukraine on a map, Johnny proudly replied. “I don’t read maps. If Americans learn geometry, the terrorists win.”

Dayton Mayor Nan Whaley will announce her latest project: golden skyways for bicyclists, connecting the University of Dayton, Miami Valley Hospital and Wright-Patterson Air Force Base to a hub at Fifth Third Field. She plans to pay for the project by increasing the income tax to 10 percent and 20 percent on people who work in Dayton but live outside. When asked why it’s higher on them, she replied, “Because they can’t vote me out of office.” The Dayton Daily News and the people whose interviews they publish are guaranteed to support the project, as are the community leaders whom Whaley plans to handsomely pay off.

When asked if the extravagant waste of resources to benefit so few people would hurt poor and middle class people, Whaley read from a card supplied to all city employees, “This project is part of the economic development of the city. It will create union jobs.” Then she waxed poetic. “It connects the only places in the city that matter. Poor people will benefit by huddling under the skyways to avoid the rain. They’ll be uplifted by looking at the soaring arcs. They’ll eat scraps of food tossed over by the yuppie bikers. As for the middle class, except for yuppie bikers, they don’t vote for me. Besides, the middle class will be gone soon.”

Not to be outdone, Huber Heights city councilors are planning a double-wide golden skyway from their new Music Center addition to their Aquatic Center, beating Kettering to the punch for once, but they don’t plan to announce the project until the whole deal has been secretly finalized. Then they’ll pretend to consider citizen input.

The Federal Aviation Administration, Ohio/Indiana Unmanned Aircraft Systems Center, Clark State Community College, Sinclair Community College, Wright State University and local authorities are planning a joint announcement declaring the entire region an experimental proving ground for spy drones. Since every individual is a potential criminal, every county, city, neighborhood and house will be under surveillance by drones 24/7/365.

Finally, Beavercreek police plan to invite me to Wal-Mart. I plan to decline.

The views and opinions expressed in Conspiracy Theorist are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Mark Luedtke is an electrical engineer with a degree from the University of Cincinnati and currently works for a Dayton attorney. He can be reached at MarkLuedtke@DaytonCityPaper.com.

 

Editor’s note: This piece originally appeared in the Dec. 30, 2014 “Year In Preview” special satire/humor issue of the Dayton City Paper.a

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Reach DCP freelance writer Mark Luedtke at MarkLuedtke@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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