Dating apocalypse

Why I will never find a husband.


The Internet has a myriad of dating apps that has changed the atmosphere of the dating world

By Megan Garrison

I need you to take a seat. Wherever you are. Whomever you are. Male, female, gender neutral. I am about to throw down some heavy words. Once you have your seat, you may proceed.

Love is dead.

I said it. Look at those three words. How jarring are they? For me, someone who has traditionally been literally in love with love for the majority of her 25 years on this planet, it’s a downright tragedy for me to see those three words. I mean, I’ve spent a lot of time looking for three words that oppose the very three words I have just typed. 

Now, let’s get this out of the way before I explain myself further: I’m not cynical or jaded. I know it seems like I am, but the truth is that I am a generally optimistic individual…and I whole-heartedly blame my wide-eyed, bushy-tailed optimism for my romantic downfall. 

In the beginning, boy meets girl (or vice-versa), boy and girl fall in love (or girl and girl or boy and boy or insert gender and insert gender here), they get married, they have children, and a house, and an adorable pet they name Spot or Mittens or some other cliché that will be shortened to baby talk, as if the cat or dog cares what sounds are coming out of a person’s mouth while you feed them. 

This set-up worked. For a long time. And then the internet happened. And then smart phones happened. I am here to tell you that we messed up. 

Before you tell me that long before the internet we had personal ads and matchmakers and dating services, I am going to tell you to just zip your lips. Because I am fully aware of how the first personal ads came about in 1695 when British bachelors needed to find someone to cook and clean for them. I even know that the 1700s allowed for homosexuals to post personal ads discreetly and ensure safety for them. And if we want to get real, the first woman posted a personal ad in 1727. She was then sent to an insane asylum by the mayor, because a woman who knows what she wants must be crazy. 

The major difference between personal ads and matchmakers, etc., is that now there is no meeting. And if a meeting actually somehow comes to fruition, there are a number of unexpressed expectations, given the nature of the site or the app you are on. So, let’s break this down:

Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, PlentyOfFish, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, Sapio, Happn. Which ones are you on? I am on all of them. Some just for this article. Others I have legitimately been a member of for a couple of years now. Have I had much luck? Absolutely not. 

By now you are thinking that it’s probably my fault that I have been so unsuccessful. And while there are certainly days that I think the same thing, I know that I am not the one entirely at fault here. The fault is instant gratification through superficial means. 

For brevity, I am only going to talk about three of these apps in depth: Tinder, Bumble and Coffee Meet Bagel. 

Tinder

A swirling cesspool of mirror selfies and gym flexing that equates to, “I’m not looking for anything serious” and “Are you D.T.F.?” If you want hookups, this is where you hang your hat. If you don’t want a hookup, but you’re seriously contemplating the hell that is a full-fledged relationship, then this is not the app you’re looking for. While someone might say they want a relationship like you do, the truth is they will most likely only be saying such sweet nothings in the hope of getting in your pants and then ghosting. 

Unless you meet your soulmate. And while I would love to be like, “that never happens,” three of my friends are getting married this year and they all met their people on Tinder. 

Bumble

Do you want a boyfriend with a 401K and a North Face jacket? Well, then I’ve great news for you. The app that only allows for girls to message first, has now entered your life. Its’ great…if you only like middle-class, corporate-job-holding men who find joy in grabbing one with the boys and watching sports. Most of the candidates will look exactly alike and a lot of them will be so confident that they are almost arrogant. 

Obviously, this is not my type. It may be yours. More power to you. But this app only really allows for one demographic to succeed in the dating world. There isn’t variety. 

Coffee Meets Bagel

Do you like paying money every time you want to tell someone that they look aesthetically pleasing in a photo? Well, guess what, dollface! You can pay obscene amounts of money to get absolutely nowhere in your dating life, courtesy of this app.

The sad thing is that this app has the potential to be the best one when it comes to making matches and finding someone with an actual personality, but it’s so expensive just to link up with someone, it’s almost not even worth it. 

I promise I am not bitter. But I am single. Do you want my number?

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Megan Garrison grew up in the small town of Lampasas, Texas, spending her time immersed in Ernest Hemingway novels and dreaming of being a journalist one day. Now she attends the University of Dayton and is hard at work studying to be a war-time correspondent. Though she is very goal oriented and works hard to achieve her dreams she also loves to have a little fun. She DJs her own radio show on Flyer Radio and makes it a point to attend great movies and local concerts. But her greatest love will always be books.

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