DCP’s tips for surviving 2015

Ring in the new year in confidence

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4 tips for surviving and thriving in 2015

Warning:  A few of these might call you out on some of your bull

By Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin

Here at Dayton City Paper, our top concern is your wellbeing. It’s all we talk about, really. So here we’ve compiled some tips for getting you through 2015 safe and sound and happy. But, to quote LeVar Burton, you don’t have to take our word for it.

1. Weather Woes

Let’s take care of this one right out of the blocks. Yes, there will be weather in 2015. Summer will be hot, winter will be cold and there will likely be precipitation on and off throughout the year. Based on the past 4.54 billion years of Ohio getting snow during the winter months, we suggest you prepare for more snow. Unfortunately, we’ve been unable to find a way to stop the weather from coming. So for those who do not enjoy walking in a winter wonderland, we suggest you scoot your patoot on down south. It’s pretty easy to find: just face the rising sun and turn right. Depending on traffic, you could find yourself between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn in just a couple of days! If you do decide to tough it out, take comfort in the fact that, hey, at least you don’t live in Buffalo.

2. Box Store Grit

In a tragic turn of events this past fall, John Crawford III was shot and killed by police while shopping in a local Wal-Mart. This is sadly one of several high-profile cases in recent times of an unarmed black man being gunned down under what many believe to be racially-charged motives. Our advice is to swing the pendulum the other way; if it’s not safe to be an unarmed black man, be an armed white woman. Strap a gat to your leg, change your name to Kaylee and blast a little Mumford & Sons on your way to pick up some gluten-free, pumpkin spice froyo before heading over to Tar-shay. As you wander over to the pellet guns, our guess is no one will look twice. If this sounds too extreme for you, maybe just do your pellet gun shopping online.

3. Health Scares

Every year the media picks up on a new health emergency that has befallen a people. Such instances include Bird Flu, SARS, Mad Cow Disease and, most recently, Ebola. Not to undermine the gravity of these truly terrifying situations, but if you live in Dayton, Ohio, we suggest the following: wash your hands and stay off the Internet. Not only are keyboards cesspools, but Big Science has found reading your friends’ alarmist status updates on Facebook can lead to hysteria and severe forms of hypochondria, the only cure for which is a nap. Do you have time for a nap? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

4. Other People

Yes, yes, it’s true. Other People are going to continue to exist, and they will all be in your way during your morning commute. All these Other People are going to make decisions that will bug you, including whether or not to get married, have kids, smoke weed or show their butts in public. We’re not just talking about Kim Kardashian. Other People right here in the Miami Valley might be making a decision you don’t approve of RIGHT NOW. Know what to do? Stop thinking about it. Can’t stop thinking about it? Distract yourself. Go ice-skating at RiverScape. Take an online course in statistics from Sinclair. Visit Warped Wing or any of the other local brewpubs and try a seasonal ale. Volunteer for an organization, like Habitat for Humanity, which is helping people who are having an actual bad day. Visit a branch of the Dayton Metro Library and peruse their selection of more than a LITERAL BILLION books, magazines, DVDs, CDs, e-books, classes and reference materials. There, don’t you feel a little better already?

Reach DCP freelance writer Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin at JenniferHanauerLumpkin@DaytonCityPaper.com. To read more from Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin, visit her website at jennerlumpkin.com.

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6 Tips for Understanding Your Rights in 2015

By Conspiracy Theorist Mark Luedtke

You have the right to jaywalk, especially if you work for CareSource on Main Street in Dayton. You have the right to bunch up and lean over the street, endangering yourself, your fellow jaywalkers and the drivers on Main Street.

You have the right to be monitored 24/7/365. Some think this right only applies to terrorists and only on the Internet, but this is another universal right. Not only are your phone calls, emails and texts monitored, but in downtown Dayton you’re monitored by 27 surveillance cameras, as well. And with Wright State University and Sinclair Community College both developing drone programs, you can be watched by college students in your own backyard or through your windows. Since police and college students are known for their good judgment, high moral standards and following the rules, this should be fun for everybody.

You have the right to be summarily executed. You can be talking on the phone and playing with toys in a retail store, and your friendly neighborhood policeman may summarily execute you in the interest of serving and protecting you, a peaceful member of the public. Many think this right applies only to young black men, but Americans can be proud this is a universal right.
The personal and social value of this right should not be underestimated. If there are people you dislike for any reason, you can simply invite them shopping, call the police and lie about their behavior, and peace officers will storm to the scene with guns blazing and execute them. No questions asked. Everybody who leaves alive goes home happy.

You have the right to have your home invaded. You can be sitting at home, watching TV or sleeping, and a paramilitary squad will burst through your door, shoot your dogs, throw bombs in your baby’s crib and point guns in your face. If you survive the assault, you have the right to be beaten, kidnapped and locked in a cage. Many people think this right applies only to people who enjoy unapproved drugs, but it’s also a universal right exercised by grandparents and children alike and those hooked only on approved drugs.
Like the right above, this right has tremendous personal and social value. You can use this right to prank your friends or destroy your enemies. Because police don’t bother to investigate before attacking, this pranking has become so popular it has a name: swatting. Don’t wait to get in on the fun. Call a SWAT team raid on your buddy before he calls one on you.

You have a right to icy roads. You don’t have to worry about salt messing up your car’s paint job anymore. While our rulers steal our money to combat global warming, you can slip, slide and crash down the region’s icy roads in confidence.

You have the right to go out of business, go bankrupt and lose your job. This right does not apply to plutocrat cronies of our rulers who receive the money government steals from the rest of us. Pretty soon every small business will be gone, and the few people who can get jobs will be wage slaves to government’s giant, inefficient corporate cronies.

The views and opinions expressed by Conspiracy Theorist Mark Luedtke are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Mark Luedtke is an electrical engineer with a degree from the University of Cincinnati and currently works for a Dayton attorney. He can be reached at MarkLuedtke@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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10 Tips for dating in 2015

By Ben Tomkins

So it’s New Year’s Eve and, once again, you’ve found yourself without anyone to kiss when the clock strikes midnight. You’re bracing yourself for another year of solitude – with no one around to suck up all your free time and money, you’re wondering what this new year could bring that would make it any different from the last. Cheer up, son. Dayton City Paper is coming to your rescue with 10 tips for landing that perfect chick this year:

1. Write an anonymous letter to WDTN declaring Ebola has come to Dayton. The ensuing apocalyptic panic should result in thousands of females desperate for end-of-the-world sex.

2.  Take them to Heartland Pharmacy in Far Hills, and show them the many birth control options that may be procured for free thanks to Obamacare.

3.  Grow a beard and go to the Oregon district, confidently masquerading as an intellectual with a profound palate for craft beers.

4. Stay in college so you can party early on weekdays and all day Friday through Sunday. Chances are, you’ll never pay off your student loans anyway – so what’s another few years?

5. Take her out to dinner, give her flowers and then head to Fraze for Throwback Thursdays to see an encore performance of “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. If that doesn’t do it, nothing will.

6. Read them absolutely anything I have ever written for the DCP, lie back and wait for it.

7.  Go to the Dorothy Lane Market and freaking learn how to cook her something other than ramen. Unless it’s the new, awesome kind showing up in Japanese restaurants; then you’re solid. Just remember you’re going to be blissfully passing out in a food coma about an hour after consuming that much broth and pork belly, so have your conversation topics organized ahead of time and keep the sentences short.

8.  Take her to The Century: A Bourbon House and pick up the tab. Seriously, that place is so good I could score wearing a wedding ring and making out with my friend Justin.

9. Realize what women really want is a man who derives his confidence from sincerity. Don’t tell her she shouldn’t make 30 percent less than a man just to get laid that night; treat her that way and you’ll have her forever. Life will happen as long as you’re honest and open, and, if you’ve been a good boy, you’ll be the luckiest man on the planet.

10. If all else fails, or you would simply like to hear more of my award-winning advice, please write your individual questions on the back of a $37 bill and send it to me, and I will respond to it in the order in which it was received.

Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach Ben Tomkins at BenTomkins@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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9 tips for landing a job in 2015

By Tammy Newsom

The Great Recession of 2008-2009 has given way to a Great Resuscitation in the Miami Valley, with new employers in viable industries opening their doors. With dedication and persistence, anybody in this country can find a job and make something of themselves. Yet, we have all felt the sting of rejection from a potential employer.

This year, make a resolution to sting them right back. With the Dayton City Paper at your side, you’ll soon have more job offers than you can shake a stick at. So, put on some (clean) pants, shave that stubble off your face and read on, dear candidate.

Once your resume surfaces to HR’s attention, congratulations, you have made it past the first very large hurdle. From there, it is all about the interview.

Here are our Top 9 Tips for totally nailing it.

1. Develop a fail-safe action plan. Get the job first before you gain experience; if that doesn’t work, gain experience before you get the job.

2. Ask if you can work the job half-assed, since this is only a part-time position.

3. Pick out the least friendly interviewer in a group interview situation, and ogle him the whole time.

4. If you have to take a cell phone call during the interview, please be friendly. Talk loudly and enunciate directly into the phone. Texting in your lap is another courteous alternative.

5. Arriving to the interview 10-15 minutes late ensures everyone is paying attention to you. And you look good!

6. Don’t dress too casually; you don’t want to leave the barn door open! Stylish and excessive is okay.

7. Talk a lot, gesture with your hands and take out personal photos from your wallet. This will distract the interviewer from asking about gaps in your work history.

8. A little drinkie-poo beforehand couldn’t hurt to medicate the nerves. Bonus points for the interviewer who provides a round of shots for everyone.

9. At the end of the interview, which can be group or individual, raise your nose up slightly in the air and exclaim, “Not bad, but I’ve seen better!” And walk out the door shaking your moneymaker as you go. You’re worth it!

Reach DCP freelance writer Tammy Newsom at TammyNewsom@DaytonCityPaper.com.

Editor’s note: This piece originally appeared in the Dec. 30, 2014 “Year In Preview” special satire/humor issue of the Dayton City Paper.

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About Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin

View all posts by Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin
Jennifer Hanauer Lumpkin is a writer and amateur cartographer living in Dayton, Ohio. She has been a member of PUSH (Professionals United for Sexual Health) since 2012 and is currently serving as Chair. She can be reached at JenniferHanauerLumpkin@DaytonCityPaper.com or through her website at jennerlumpkin.com.

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