“Don’t get all P.C. on my ass”

Dave Attell brings the blue to Funny Bone

By Benjamin Smith
Photo: ComedianDave Attell visits the Dayton Funny Bone March 8-9

As Hippocrates, the famed physician of ancient Greece, once wrote: vita brevis, ars longa. Translation: “Life is short, my schlong is long.” I’m kidding, of course – about the translation, not about the length of the good doctor’s schlong – but I’m also testing your sense of humor. If you usually find even an atom of humor in off-color jokes, then prepare for a goddamn exploding galaxy of hilarity this March 8-9, when comedian Dave Attell (“The Daily Show,” “Insomniac with Dave Attell”) brings his epically amoral art to the Dayton Funny Bone.

First things first: should I take my mom to your upcoming show? Should I get her drunk beforehand? 

I would not take your mom to my show. It’s kind of blue. Step-moms are OK, though.     -Dave Attell

Let’s get real, Dave. What body part will be discussed the most? 

I work the whole body, like Bowflex. It’s a great work out. -DA

Apparently you’ve been spicing things up on television with some retro porn VHS tapes. What exactly is the deal with your Showtime series, “Dave’s Old Porn”?

“Dave’s Old Porn” is a tribute to the movies and stars of the golden age of adult films: the 1970s and the 1980s. Similar to the “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” format, I bring on comics and we watch some old hairy porn, bouncing from clip to clip while making jokes and enjoying the film. Then I bring out one of the stars of the film and they take us through some more clips of their amazing work in a play-by-play. -DA

What’s your favorite vintage porn? And would you compare it, say, to a merlot or to a cabernet?

That is a great analogy. Porn is like a fine wine. It does get better with age – and you stash it in a cellar if possible. It’s hard to have a favorite, though. There are too many flavors in the porn rainbow. -DA

I once watched a porn film in college that was narrated by a teleporting midget. Another porn I watched in college featured a most singular soundtrack: Christmas songs, like “We Three Kings,” played on a harmonica. (It wasn’t even a Christmas-themed film.) What’s the oddest thing you’ve seen or heard in a porn film?

I love it! That is great. The music of porn is so weird/cheesy/great/sad, and so much more. I love classical music in porn. It sends such a mixed message. -DA

This interview is getting dirty, so it’s time to come clean: do you hate answering questions about your art?

You are too kind. I am not an artist; I am a club comic. And proud of it. I love working clubs like the Funny Bone. I get to mix up my act and work the crowd. I am not the best comic, but I do respect the craft. -DA

What’s the most bizarre thing an interviewer has ever asked you?

Well, I’m a Capricorn. And Capricorn is the first sign on the Zodiac. Actually, I have no idea where I am going with this…next question. -DA

Many Daytonians love to hate on Dayton. What are your feelings toward the Gem City?

The Gem City is cool. The Funny Bone is one of the first places I ever got to headline, so it’s always great to come back. I hope the crowds are into my stuff and don’t get all P.C. on my ass. -DA

Finally, I was wondering if you could evaluate the comedy gold of a certain “classic” joke. My friends in Dayton hate it, but I dig it. “What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Phillipe Phillope.” So, what’s the verdict?

Bingo! I like it. Now we need to work the Pope into it and we got some real comedy gold. -DA

Dave Attell performs on Friday, March 8, and Saturday, March 9, at the Dayton Funny Bone, 88 Plum Street, Suite 200, The Greene. Regular tickets are $25; Dinner Package tickets are $55. Show times both nights are at 7:30 and 10 p.m. Doors open one hour before show time for the 7:30 pm shows. Doors open one hour before show time for the 10 p.m. shows. The March 8 late show is for audiences 18 and older, all other shows are for audiences 21 and older. For tickets, call 937.429.5233 or visit the Dayton Funny Bone online: funnybonecentral.com. For more information about Dave Attell, visit www.daveattell.com.

Reach DCP freelance writer Benjamin Smith at BenjaminSmith@DaytonCityPaper.com

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