Goes to the edge … and folds it neatly

Comedian Tim Bedore Comedian Tim Bedore

Tim Bedore: Standing up against the animal conspiracy

By J.T. Ryder

Comedian Tim Bedore

Comedian Tim Bedore

Comedian Tim Bedore is a philosopher, a writer, a comedian; he is a man who once had the urge to kiss a wombat full on the lips. He has made numerous television appearances and his Vague But True weekly series can be heard on NPR’s Marketplace weekly program. The last time I spoke to Bedore, it was to gain his wisdom pertaining to his area of expertise: the animal conspiracy theory.

Bedore’s theory is rather alarming in its utter simplicity: Animals hate us and want us dead so that they may rule the Earth and inherent all of the fine Hostess products that will be left in our wake. I decided that the animal conspiracy theory was a great jumping off point for our most recent conversation, so that is where I began…

Are we all still in imminent danger from the animals?

The animal conspiracy thing still looms large, and let me tell you why: because I love my country. I want America to continue to be at the top of the economic food chain as well as the literal food chain, so I constantly bear witness and am on the case at all times … I’ve got some amazing video of some elk that have taken over a town to the point where if you want to golf, you pretty much have to golf around the elk and play out of the divots that they make with their horns. They are literally coming into town and chasing after hunters before the hunters get out into the woods to hunt them. I’ve got video of it that’s just incredible. [Tim Bedore]

Do you think that the animals are acting independently or might they be lobbied by certain special interest groups and instructed to go after specific targets?

Boy, that’s an ugly thought! Are you saying that this might be political? Man! …  Things have changed so much that I expect that one day, you will see wolves and elk working together to drive keepers and tourists out of Yellowstone. Natural enemies joined together. [TB]

Are the squirrels still the central part of the conspiracy?

Oh yes! Squirrels are literally the smartest animal on the planet, other than humans. I mean, they’re rats, but we allow them to live in our cities and we allow them in our yards and people think they’re cute … it’s that damn fuzzy tail. Unbelievable when you think about it. It’s just that fuzzy tail and – bang! – they’re not a rat anymore. [TB]

Well, since the last time I spoke with you, I started homeschooling my 11-year-old son. It makes you yearn for the days when you could hand a kid a sack and send him to a coal mine to earn his keep. I didn’t think teachers made enough money before…

…And now you’re certain of it. Yeah, that’s a big commitment. [TB]

Yep. But, I think the problem with the schools now is that all they are concerned about is the state testing and not about cognitive reasoning or problem solving.

No they don’t. [TB]

But I think it is becoming apparent because kids are coming out of school and unable to do the jobs because all they know is the answer to question 1-A.

We had a teacher in college that taught us to think like critical thinkers by saying, “Men do not have to wash their hands after they use a urinal in a public restroom… [TB]

…But before…

Right! Wash your hands before. His point was that the penis is the cleanest part of a guy’s body. If you take a 10-minute shower, nine minutes is spent cleaning the penis. You get that very, very clean. It’s the hands that are filthy when you think about it. You ride busses with your hands. You touch coins and pick your nose … clean your hands first so you won’t get your penis dirty because it is already clean and, unless you have a spastic fit at the urinal, you don’t have to soap up afterwards. Now, that’s a very interesting way to think, but you can’t make a living with this information, really. I tried. You hang out in bathrooms and try to point this out and … well, the tips were very low. [TB]

Yeah…well, I don’t know if I would use that phrasing…

No! “Hey ‘big’ fella! Can I talk to you a second?” [TB]

So what do you want people to know about you?

You know what you can tell people? You can tell them that I do not lie on stage. Most comics lie. Most comics make stuff up and I only talk about truthfully honest things because I think that there are too many lies in the world  … How many times have you flown and the pilot gets on the intercom after pulling in three hours late and says, “We apologize for any inconvenience and we really hope to serve you better in the future,” which is just a lie. They know they are not going to serve you better in the future — it’s the nature of their business. If they were honest, they would say, “Yeah, we’re sorry about the inconvenience and all, but hey! This airline sucks, but so does walking from Minneapolis to Detroit with a golf bag, so … see you next time!” Like Home Depot …”You can do it, we can help!” That’s a lie. It should be, “You can do it, we can help … but it will look like hell and you’ll probably kill yourself.” That’s the honest way to say it. That’s the truth. [TB]

Become a more informed citizen of the human race by attending Tim Bedore’s informative Power Point presentation at Wiley’s Comedy Niteclub on October 20 at 8 p.m., Friday October 21 at 9 p.m. and Saturday October 22 at 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Tickets range from $5 to $12. You can get more information by calling (937) 224-JOKE or by going online at www.wileyscomedyclub.com.

Reach DCP freelance writer J.T. Ryder at JTRyder@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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