Guided By Vices

Guided By Vices

What your iPod says about you

By Christopher Schutte

White ear buds for life.

The ubiquitous white ear buds. The sleek designs and colors. The amazing storage capacity. The acknowledgement that Steve Jobs just may be God.

All great reasons to own an iPod.

For a seemingly straightforward device (it’s just a music player, right?), your iPod actually says a lot about you. Let’s assume you’re a relatively normal person and you own a fair number of electronic gizmos. None of them say more about you – your personality, your interests, your worldview – than your iPod and what’s on it.
If you already own an iPod, congratulations! You can skip down to the profiles below.

For those who don’t yet own an iPod (or another digital music device), please take a minute to consider these facts:
1. You may hate music.
2. You may love music, but are an audiophile, pining for the days of vinyl and reel-to-reel tapes. (Note: The war is over. You lost).
3. You may be reading this piece safely ensconced in your underground bunker in the woods where you monitor ham radio and occasionally post on survivalblog.com whilst you build your arsenal and plan for the general collapse of society and/or the end of days per the Mayan calendar.

With that out of the way, let’s see what your iPod – and the music therein – says about you….

You don’t actually own an iPod, but you have a Microsoft Zune or some other no-name MP3 player.
You are either Bill Gates, or a contrarian. You banked on Beta, not VHS. Thought the USFL was far superior to the NFL. Insisted that New Coke was “where it’s at.” Stayed loyal to MySpace while EVERYONE else moved to Facebook. You’re not a sheep. You’re a cheapskate.

You have an iPod Shuffle.
You want to be part of the whole “Apple Revolution,” but your discretionary capital is limited. You may be a workout freak who appreciates the fact that you can clip the device to your spandex pants. You very likely choose your music based on BPM’s (more on that later). You have the attention span of a gnat.

You have a pink iPod Shuffle.
You are a 13-year-old girl who picked this device to match your backpack.

You have an iPod Nano.
You felt compelled by societal pressure to buy an iPod, but didn’t really know which model to purchase. Therefore, you went with the trendy choice (this is SO you). You’re likely to have your music arranged by party mix, not albums. You may also carry your very small dog in a handbag.

You have an iPod Classic.
This was a Christmas gift … from your Mom. You have enough memory capacity to power Google and an iPod that holds 40,000 songs. 40,000 songs dude! You’ve only downloaded 200 songs, but you’ll get to it soon. Or, you may be a music critic with a completionist fetish who just has to have immediate access to every song ever recorded by Pavement.

You have an iPod Touch.
You really wanted an iPhone, but you’re still locked into that damn mobile contract for two more years! You grew up playing hand-held games and you were the first on your block to get a Playstation, own a “new” VW Beetle and eat a McRib. In other words you’re an “early adopter.” You liked Glee way before all the horrible celebrity guest appearances and music is not nearly as important to you as updating your Facebook status (just backed over our cat, Sprinkles, while texting).

Your iPod is filled with classic rock.
Time stopped for you around 1981 and you lament the fact that there aren’t more “supergroups” like Asia. Your kid filled your iPod for you, but you still like to “party” – only on the weekend. You’d love to know where your iPod actually is.

Your iPod is a mishmash of genres, styles, artists and songs.
You don’t really care what’s playing as long as it’s a song that everyone in the world – including third-world tribesmen – can recognize and sing along to. The party is wherever you are.

You have cover songs by American Idol contestants on your iPod.
You either possess a sublime, ironic sense of humor, or you do all your shopping from your couch while wrapped tightly in a Snuggie.

Your iPod contains only music recorded during the four (or six) years you were in college.
College was the best time of your life. You scored like Brad Pitt, partied like the Stones and dominated intramural sports. God, that was a great time. Put in the ear buds, crack a Natty Light and you’re back. Where the hell is that beer bong?

You have nothing below 115 BPM’s (beats per minute) on your iPod.
You use the phrase, “feel the burn” without irony. You know your spinning instructor’s birthday, but are hard-pressed to recall your second child’s name. You don’t know techno from house, but you do know how many calories are in a fig newton.

Your music collection is beautifully curated – a perfect blend of new, old, alternative, jazz, electronic, alt-country, classics.
You’ve tried in vain to recreate the record collection that your friends used to rave about (so diverse, so eclectic!) when they came over to your apartment, only to realize that no one but you ever looks at your iPod’s content. God, I’m pathetic.

Reach DCP freelance writer Christopher Schutte at chrisschutte@daytoncitypaper.com.

About Christopher Schutte

View all posts by Christopher Schutte
Chris is a freelance drinker who spends most of his free time doing really cool things. Things you wouldn’t believe even if he told you. He enjoys consuming things, making things and writing about things while wearing fashionable clothing and listening to recorded music. He also has a pug named Miles. Reach Chris at chrisschutte@daytoncitypaper.com.

One Response to “Guided By Vices” Subscribe

  1. Crittersister April 5, 2011 at 5:06 pm #

    Hi Chris!

    Great article! Consider our Springfield audience for a print edition…I identify with the war being lost!

    Take care…

    Carolyn Hayes
    Director of PUPS
    Contributing Writer for ‘The Chronicle’

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