Health, Wellness, and Fitness: 10/20

Are you skinny fat?

By Rocco Castellano
I see them and hear from these kinds of people all the time. I know it seems like an oxymoron or just plain moronic but there really are skinny-fat people out there. Years back, I started writing a book called, “Fat People are Stupid… Then They Die.” It was basically in the stage of my life where I hated fat people because I thought they were lazy. Now don’t get me wrong, I still believe fat people are stupid but the perspective is much more concrete and fact-based, and the book will finally be published this year. I can’t wait for all the fat people to wait in line at my book signings. Don’t worry, I’m not that stupid. Anyway, I want to talk about skinny-fat people.

You see them all the time walking around. They look normal in clothes—or at least not overweight, when wearing long sleeves, long pants or dresses. Then they start showing a little skin—and I mean a little skin—and the story abruptly changes and you wonder how someone that is thin has bat wings that don’t stop flapping even after they stop waving. It actually looks very uncomfortable. I see men who should have solid muscular arms (and yes, all men should have muscular arms, not marshmallow arms), and their triceps are replaced by a blob of fat. You shake their hand and give their arm a little grab—like a Bill Clinton handshake, you know the handshake: shake with your right hand and give their right arm a grab with your left hand. When you do you get a big hand full of goo. Number one, it’s very embarrassing. Number two, it’s f—ing disgusting… if I want to do business with a bowl of Jell-O, I would have stayed home and made some Jigglers.

Just because you seem like you are within your weight for your height, there are other things to consider. Like, when you look in the mirror do you have a little pouch, something similar to what a marsupial would sport? Then skinny fat you are. When you look in the mirror and all you see are craters up and down your ass and thighs or it looks like your doing a commercial for Breakstone Cottage Cheese, you my friend are skinny fat.

If you look down at your legs and skin is cascading over your knee cap and gives the appearance of melting candle wax… yep, you guessed it—skinny fat. Last but not least, if you are 105 pounds and your breasts need to be rolled up to keep the girls from falling past your waist, yeah, skinny fat.

Now that you are fully aware and totally disgusted—shit, even I’m disgusted with this column—what do you do to look less like a Shar Pei and more toned and healthy?

Well, I have a plan for you, and no, it’s not take down all your mirrors and keep wearing long sleeves and long pants. It’s actually a little more creative than that.

The reason your skin is dimpled or sagging most likely comes from your lack of movement, and lack of nutrition. If you can just give me eight minutes a day, I can get you out of that skinny-fat prison you call a body. And if you eliminate two foods and add one to your current diet you will notice a huge difference in your naked appearance.

Let’s start with eight minutes a day. I want you to do a circuit of five exercises. Start with jumping jacks for one minute. That’s one minute down—see how easy that was? Seven more to go. Next, one minute of negative pushups or regular pushups, but definitely no “girl” pushups. One minute of mountain climbers. One minute of squats. Thirty seconds each leg for lunges. One more minute of mountain climbers. One minute of jumping jacks and one minute of criss-cross crunches. That’s it. If you feel like a warrior or warrior princess and you want to do another circuit and give me 16 minutes it’s up to you. It’s your body, do it some good.

Moving around some is the easy part. Here’s where it gets a little complicated folks … okay, not really but I had to add a little drama for effect. Actually, this part is pretty easy too. Go into your pantry and throw out everything you see because most likely it’s f—ing Poptarts, Twinkies and hot dog buns. Ok, maybe I’m being a little harsh but I do need you to eliminate only two things. It’s a little tricky because almost all processed foods have these ingredients in them. Go through your pantry and make a pile of all the foods containing soy and high fructose corn syrup. Soy is creating an imbalance of estrogen that is harmful to you, creating fat where there shouldn’t be any and HFCS is causing the ugly Shar Pei body you are sporting. Now that you have eliminated 90 percent of your pantry I want you to add coconut oil. You know, while I’m at it, throw the f–k away all your other oils except olive oil. I’ll explain why in a future column but just do it and shut up. The reason I want you to add coconut oil is because that cellulite or crater infested ass has lost its structure. A fat cell has a specific structure to it. A firm, round structure like a ball. When we take in polyunsaturated fats like canola oil the fat cell begins to weaken and caves in giving you that cottage cheese look. Coconut oil is a saturated fat that will help build back your fat cell. Giving you a nicer looking ass, body and hopefully not feel like a bowl of Jell-O.

The views and opinions expressed in Ask Rocco are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes.

Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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Rocco Castellano is the author of “askROCCO Uncensored v1,” a speaker and a controversial fitness personality who has won an Emmy for his fitness training role in MTV’s Made. For more information, please visit roccocastellano.com.

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