Editor’s Choice

The grass ain’t always greener

 The pastor of a local church called the authorities to inform them that two of their lawnmowers are now missing in action. The perp, an unidentifiable large male, used a blue work style van with “B.A.M” smacked on the rear panel of the vehicle. “B.A.M” although it does sound like an R.E.M cover band, currently is the main clue that could be used to catch the suspect. Noticeably, there was also damage to the fencing that was used to secure the storage unit near the church. (Though, there may not be grass where this robber is going…)


Totally secure—knot

In a local home, someone broke into a garage—despite the fact that this garage door was perfectly secured with a single shoestring. Somehow, the shoestring had been cut. The robber stole a lawn mower, a leaf blower, and a weed eater from inside the garage. (Maybe the homeowner should use Velcro next time. Or maybe one of these possible options: gum, tape, stickers, a stick, needle and thread, or maybe even a padlock and key, a security guard, a Doberman. The list goes on.)

The candy man can

A man wearing a camouflage jacket, a white hat, and a pair of dark jeans visited a local store with one purpose: wait for it, to steal some candy. The saleswoman in the store who contacted the police stated that in the store’s camera footage, the man entered the store, knelt down near the candy, and filled a large black trash bag with approximately $30-worth of candy.  The authorities have yet to unwrap the case, but they are reviewing the store’s footage. If you happen to see this man walking down the street, give the boys in blue a ring.

In a jam

One night in a local neighborhood, someone broke into a car. However, the person who attempted to steal the vehicle damaged the ignition. So when the car failed to start, the bandit resorted to taking the leftover change out of the cup holders in the front seat. Before you continue reading this, check your drawers—no, not those drawers, your silverware drawer. Because the person in question left a butter knife in the passenger seat of the car. Although there was significant damage to the vehicle, maybe the person who attempted to steal the vehicle was simply hankering for a good PB&J. Sadly, this was not the jam they were expecting.

Mad beats

A woman was in her bedroom when she heard loud noises coming from the street, which she described as “boom, boom, boom, boom.” Although you might expect it to be the intro of a hip-hop song playing from a low ridin’ car rolling down the street, it wasn’t. The woman looked to her neighbor’s house and saw her neighbor’s sister at their door while another woman was taking something from a white van parked near the residence.  The neighbor’s sister kicked at the door until it fell off its hinges. All we know is that there was severe property damage, but the authorities have yet to discover the source of the mad beats.

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