Broken brandy bottle

A family left for church in the morning. When they returned, they noticed their motion-sensor alarm system had been moved. The family also noted a broken window on the top floor and a bottle of Paul Masson brandy on the floor below it. The brandy was not something they kept in the house, so they called police. When the police arrived, the family told officers the window had been intact before they left for church earlier that morning. Officers asked if they had any suspects or leads for them to follow. The family only had one clue: the brandy. They gave a list of names that matched the description of a drinker of this particular brandy and who might have a grudge against them. Officers immediately began cross-referencing brandy drinkers to track down the perps.

Plasma run

A man rode his bike to a hospital, locked it up, and went inside to donate plasma. When he exited the hospital, his bike was gone. The man called police, and when they arrived, he gave them the details. He stated he used a gun-safe lock he received for free from sheriff’s office giveaway at the library. With the patented lock, he used an advanced system of carefully wrapping the lock through the spokes of the tire, interweaving the lock through the chain of the bike stop at the hospital. Officers were impressed by the safety technique. Sadly, it wasn’t safe enough, but officers were probably glad to be handling a theft report instead of dealing with a traffic incident caused by a sleepy plasma donor.

To the left, to the left

A man drove his moped home after visiting a taco stand. The man picked up speed and approached a blue minivan with a flashing right turn signal. The man evaluated the speed of the minivan and chose to pass the slow-moving vehicle on the left. The back end of the minivan suddenly swung left to make the right turn, bringing the man to an abrupt stop. The man thought it absurd that a minivan would have such an abnormally large turning radius and voiced his concerns about the driver’s ability. The minivan stopped and the driver exited the passenger side to voice his disagreement with the moped man. The fight escalated and the minivan passenger pushed the moped man down three times. The man jumped back on his moped and puttering down the street, making a quiet, gentle escape.

Rent money

A woman received troubling messages on Facebook from her ex. Some of his messages included pictures of himself with a gun. She was not happy about this and determined to report him. When officers arrived, they gathered all the details they could. She mentioned her ex was also the father of her child and that her window had been broken, and she suspected her ex. She also said her ex messaged her saying his love was so great he was forced to take action. Officers asked if she knew what his motives could be and why he would do this. She said she kicked him out of their house a month ago. The grounds for the eviction? He stole their rent money and expected to remain in the house.

Such a tool

An officer arrived at a man’s residence for a theft report. The man showed the officer his closet where there was an empty rectangular space; the man said his prized toolbox used to be there. And he said it wasn’t just any old toolbox, but a Craftsman tool set with a patented decal of the brand on the outside. The man stated that one of his acquaintances had recently visited him and he remembered the acquaintance eyeing his prized possession, obviously quite envious of the toolbox. The man determined his acquaintance must have pilfered the toolbox, but with a toolbox that special, the officer didn’t close the case right then and there.

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Reach DCP freelance writer Ehron Ostendorf at

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