Your biggest fan

Just last week, the cops were called on a theft complaint in our lively city. A local man is currently in the process of fixing up their new house with his wife. While returning to their current fixer-upper, they realized the house had been broken into! The back window of the home had been smashed in with glass pieces scattered all over the ground and the back-side entrance door to the home had been left wide open. Various craftsmen tools had been taken from the inside of the house, alongside a large table saw the couple had been using for renovations, and lastly two large ceiling fans. The police are on the case to find these perps who obviously weren’t the biggest fans of this couple’s remodeling job.


A few weeks ago, a man called the police in a rage. The victim told the police how he was behind a local bar where he works on the weekends collecting cans (hopefully to be recycled!) when he noticed another rather hefty man coming near him with ferocity. This man approached the victim near his car. He noticed this unknown man was holding a large beer bottle in his hand, and in a matter of seconds without saying a word the man thrashed his arms as if he was at a rave and with such a force that when the beer bottle hit the hood of the victim’s car, it broke into several pieces and left a deep dent in the car’s hood. The police quickly arrived on scene but were unable to locate the severely intoxicated individual. This man is still at large but what we do know, is that this man is in dire need of a new hood.

Pimp my ride

Unfortunately, this is not a crime pertaining to a car, but in actuality, a walker. An elderly man recently called the police demanding that they find his walker. The man believes his walker was stolen from him. He went into great detail about all the special features of his ride in the police report, “three weeks old…brand new with a fold down seat, and four wheels…” This walker of course was green and probably made the other residents of his neighborhood especially green with envy. His walker (that he purchased from Hocks Medical Supply) is currently valued at $500. One of the man’s neighbors told the police that “…a woman was suspiciously riding a bike around the neighborhood…” the witness stated that this happened the day the walker disappeared. This pimped out ride that was left on this man’s front porch was truly a sight to behold, but I surely hope that the man will be reunited with his prized walker soon!

Oscar the grouch

Just a few short warm fall days ago, a man frantically called the police in search of his stolen property. The officer on call approached the caller at the scene of the crime – an ominous construction site in a local neighborhood. The caller was a contractor working on the site. He told the officer that for a few minutes he left his work area unattended to grab a drink from his truck. When he returned, he realized that his “partner saw” (which I have learned is used to cut concrete) had been taken from the scene. The victim noticed that just prior to the incident, a suspicious looking man was watering a small patch of greenery in the alleyway near the site. The victim described to the officer how he continued on his hunt to find his saw by aggressively checking several trashcans nearby to see if anyone hid his saw inside one of the nearby trashcans as a joke. However, there was nothing inside the trashcans… and his saw is still missing in action.

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Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at

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