Let them eat cake!

Last week officers quickly made contact with a shopkeeper on a breaking and entering complaint. This local shop owner told the officers how his employees locked up his store one night and how he believed his storefront was secure for the evening. However, he arrived the next morning to his store completely destroyed; shattered glass all over the floor and several food items had been taken from various display cases and shelves. The victim has a particularly large display case where he stores and sells many styles of cakes. While reviewing the security footage, the police were able to reveal that the perps broke into his store with the sole intent to take several cakes from the display case. These perps were definitely on a sugar kick that night…but they caused $2800 in damage by breaking the front windows of the store and the glass display case where the cakes reside. These sugar fiends are still at large! Hid your frosting and hide your batter!

Energizer bunny

Local police officers were dispatched to a local construction site a few days ago where workers have been installing a bike path in our lovely city. The victim told the officers how he works for the construction company that’s working on reviving the park (aka the scene of this crime). The man told the officers how they have a “roller” and an “excavator” along with other various large vehicles that the workers left parked at the site overnight. When he returned to the site the next morning the batteries had been taken from all the heavy machinery. The John Deere excavator had two large batteries inside of it that had been stolen and the roller had one battery taken from it. The loch ness monster might be just a myth…but a giant energizer bunny is at large with these batteries!

Petty potty

A literal shitty situation occurred a few short weeks ago when a pair of cops were dispatched to a local apartment complex. When the police arrived at the scene they met with the building’s janitor who reported “criminal” damage to one of the toilets in the building. The janitor explained to the officers how one of the flush valves had been broken off of the toilet. This caused the toilet to overflow whenever it flushes. This perp must be flooded with regret when he realized what he had done. The janitor also described in vivid detail to the police how a similar situation occurred on a different floor of the building…so this building has become a real shit show. The janitor believes that these incidences happened on purpose! The man living the residence where the first toilet was damaged is being evicted from the premises. Shit really hit the fan on this one when the police talked to the resident of the building who denied all claims of purposeful damage to the toilet. The police really have to plunge into the depths on this one to find the perp of this smelly crime.

A spooky situation

Just in time for Halloween, a rather chilling crime occurred. A man was walking back to his car after he finished a rather long shift. The man had parked adjacent to his workplace in the parking lot that is tragically located just below a train track. Suddenly the man looked up and he noticed three children standing on the train track just above his car. When they saw him, they stared him down for a while and then began to pelt his car with large rocks. These kids weren’t very gneiss! They really hit their target though…causing hundreds of dollars in damage to this man’s car. But I guess you could say…that’s how these kids roll.

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Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at MichelleStrauss@DaytonCityPaper.com

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