By Michelle Strauss 

Music man

In a local apartment complex, alarms went off and alerted the police that a robbery was taking place. The cops arrived on scene to find that the house was unlocked and there was no indication that measures had been taken to secure the home. The landlord of the complex came to speak with the officers about what had happened and why the alarms had gone off. There was no sign of forced entry, but the owner of the apartment stated that his keyboard was missing (no, not the one near the computer). The perp had struck while the tenant was out of town. For all anyone knows, the perp desperately needed to lay some sick tracks for his debut album (a potential affirmative defense?).

Remix to ignition

Someone left their car unattended on the curb in front of their home. The key to the car was left in the ignition and the car was running. Surprisingly enough, the car was not stolen—but the keys were. Whether this crime was inspired by one of R. Kelly’s hit songs has not yet been verified, but it sure caused the owner a scare when they realized the keys were missing. Either way, the car was left running, so the victim probably needs to go fill up his gas tank.

86 pennies were left

Take one down pass ‘em around, now 85 pennies are left in the car. At a local residence, a car was left unlocked in front of the victim’s house. Inside the car exactly 86 pennies were stolen from the cup holders, as well as the title to the vehicle from the center console. One might ask, Why that exact amount of pennies? Well, the only way to answer that is… I have no clue. But I can’t make this stuff up.

Shear dumb luck

No, this is not a story about gardening per se, but rather a story about an alleged local gardener. A few days ago, a man broke into a local residence and demanded money from the victim. The man used gardening shears as his weapon of choice to threaten the victim in the residence. The perp has been found, but he may not be experiencing as much calm as he was during his stint as a “gardener.”

Losing privileges

When I was younger, my parents would threaten to take away my electronics if I had been particularly annoying or if I had done something that I knew was wrong. This perp supposedly did just that. A few weeks ago, a man returned home from work to find that someone had broken into his home. He searched his home and realized that various electronics had been taken from him in the burglary. Detectives have noted a few suspects right now but are continuing to look for the perp. The man believes that the No. 1 suspect would be none other than his estranged ex-wife. One might wonder what the motive could have been… For all we know, the man had done something wrong or quite annoying.

Fit for a queen

A local truck was left unsecured one night, and the perp noticed this—as well as the gold mine calling his name from the truck bed. The thief stole two washing machines and a complete queen-sized bedroom set out of the flatbed of the truck. Looking to furnish your new apartment? Call this guy—he can hook you up! (Don’t actually do that, but if you know who he is, please turn him in.)

Tags: , , ,

Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Got an Opinion?


We are interested to hear what you think.  Please send us a message. [contact-form 4 “Opinion”]  

Springfield’s hidden gem


Referred to as an American Folk Art site, I didn’t know what I expected on my journey to Springfield’s Hartman […]

Debate 7/17: Flag on the Play


Q: Should persons with certain known behavioral tendencies such as suicide or violence be prohibited from owning guns? Legislatures across […]

Conspiracy Theorist 7/17: Hooray for Domino’s

Year after year, the same roads are torn up and road crews patch them. But they never really repair them. […]

On Your Marc 7/17: Good any day

First, a funny story. Larry Lee, the big tackle from Roth High School, for a number of reasons decided he […]

The Cult, Stone Temple Pilots, and Bush at Rose

CULT 2016 Tim Cadiente-2

“Rock and roll never forgets,” the classic rock song goes, and Billy Duffy, guitarist and founding member of the British […]