New Picasso?

A woman came home from work one sunny afternoon to find her house awry. She frantically observed a five-gallon paint can, knocked over onto the floor, which inevitably caused a rather abstract pattern of purple paint on the ground. She then realized that the recliner chair in the same room had been moved as well. Her place was in shambles. Although there were no signs of forced entry, you could say there may be a new contemporary artist on the Tou-loose.

Stick it to ‘em

At a local entertainment center and club on a particularly lazy afternoon, the manager contacted the police. The call was placed in regards to an attack on one of the big flower planters located next to the restaurant across the street. The manager of the club provided the police with the security footage of the incident. The copy of the security tape depicted a man wearing blue jeans, a red shirt, and a black winter hat beating the flowers in the planter to death with a blunt object…a large stick. The owner of the restaurant utterly despises the idea of anyone toying with his flowers, so he was glad the club manager contacted the police. Local cops are on the hunt for this brutal and vicious attacker. Hide your bulbs and your fresh summer blossoms!

Energizer bunny

In a local convenience store a man entered needing a quick “pick me up.” This fella decided that energy drinks would provide him with a quick energy boost to get through the past, long holiday weekend. He proceeded to shoplift 10 individually sold energy drinks and store them in various pockets on his body and some in his hands. He ran as fast as he could on foot from the police nearby, but it looks like this red bull won’t be getting his wings anytime soon.

Tour de Dayton

At a local grocery store, a man in his mid 20s must have thought, hmm what can I do to spice up my life today? His plan: to enter the store to get the classic American beverage— a good ol’ can of beer. His plan then spiraled. He stole two cases of beer from the store, ran as fast as he could from the security guards, and proceeded to flee from the scene by mountain bike. The police are in hot pursuit of this stout stud.

Animal hospital

Over the course of a recent holiday weekend, a man was admitted to a local hospital. He needed to be treated immediately for various ailments. When medical personnel on staff tried to treat this man, all hell broke loose. The man became extremely hostile and combative toward the staff. He began to release “bodily fluids from his mouth” as he spat on various staff members, doctors, and hospital security. This wasn’t a spitting llama, but, in fact, a local resident.

Butter fingers

In a local convenience store a man stole two cans of beer. The cashier behind the counter noticed the shifty behavior and confronted the man. The cashier retrieved the beer from the man but in the process, the man began to run away. The man damaged the double doors at the entrance of the store during his grand escape. Even though the man initially got away, he left one important item behind…his wallet. The manager of the store noticed the wallet of the suspect on the ground the next day and turned it over to the police.

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Michelle Strauss
Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at

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