Totally secure knot …not

In a local home a garage door was broken into. This garage door was perfectly secured with a single shoestring. Amazingly…the shoestring had been cut! How…KNOT surprising. The robber stole a lawn mower, a leaf blower, and a weed eater from inside the garage. What a shock that the homeowner would think a string would secure his door…maybe the homeowner should use velcro next time! Or maybe these possible ideas: gum, tape, stickers, a stick, needle and thread, rope …or maybe even perhaps a secure padlock and key! A security guard, a Doberman, who knows I have endless ideas for a totally secure knot!

BOOM goes the dynamite

In a local home a woman was inside her bedroom when she heard loud noises from the street that she described as, “boom, boom, boom, boom.” Although you would expect it to be the intro of a hip-hop song playing from a low ridin’ car rolling down the street… it wasn’t. The woman looked to her neighbor’s house and saw her neighbor’s sister at her neighbor’s door while another woman was taking something from a white van parked near the residence.  The neighbor’s sister kicked down the door until it was in shambles. All we know is that there was severe property damage but the authorities have yet to discover what this altercation was caused by.

The candy man can

In a local general store, a man wearing a camouflage jacket, a white hat, and a pair of dark jeans visited the store with one purpose…wait for it…to steal some of its candy. The saleswoman in the store who contacted the police stated that in the store’s camera footage the man entered the store, knelt down near the candy and filled a large black trash bag with approximately thirty dollars worth of candy.  The authorities have not unwrapped a suspect yet but they are reviewing the store’s footage. If you happen to see this Mr. Goodbar walking down the street, give the boys in blue a ring.

But where’s the jam?

In a local neighborhood a car was broken into one night…the person who attempted to steal the vehicle damaged the ignition, so when the car failed to start they ended up just taking the leftover change out of the cup holders in the front seat. Before you continue reading this, check your drawers…no your silverware drawer – get your head out of the gutter because the person in question left… dun dun dun… a butter knife in the passenger seat of the car! Although there was significant damage to the vehicle, maybe the person who attempted to steal the vehicle just wanted to go to the store to get some bread and butter for a good slice of toast. Somebody definitely got themselves into a jam!

The grass ain’t greener

At a local church two lawnmowers were stolen. The pastor of the church who called the authorities stated that two unknown brand lawnmowers are now missing in action. The perp, an unidentifiable large male, used a blue work style van with “B.A.M” on the rear panel of the vehicle. “B.A.M,” although it does sound like an R.E.M cover band, in this case its the only clue that can be used to possibly catch the suspect.  There was noticeable damage to the fencing that was used to secure the storage unit near the church.  There may not be grass where this robber is going…

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Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at

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