The Aristocrats!

Wild Maryland! (1) Prince George’s County police officer James Sims, 30, pleaded guilty to four counts of misdemeanor “visual surveillance with prurient interest” and in February was sentenced to probation (though his termination investigation was still ongoing). His fourth event, said prosecutors, in a Sports Authority store, was taking an upskirt photo of a woman who, as Sims discovered, was also a cop.

(2) A Worcester County, Maryland, judge fined Ellis Rollins $1,000 in February and gave him a suspended sentence – for the June 2016 ostentatious nude dancing and sex with his wife at an Ocean City, Maryland, hotel window in view of other people on holiday. At the time, Rollins was the Cecil County, Maryland, state’s attorney, but has since resigned.

Timeless Sayings in the News

A tanker truck overturned on a Los Angeles freeway on April 4, spilling its contents, injuring 7, and inconveniencing hundreds (with at least a few surely tearful, since the tanker was hauling milk). And, at a Parks Canada station restroom in Banff, Alberta, on April 1, visitors found, inexplicably, three black bear cubs inside (although they were not reported to have used the facilities, it is still safe to assume that bears relieve themselves in the woods).

Least Competent Criminals

(1) Thieves once again attempted a fruitless smash-and-grab of an ATM at Mike and Reggie’s Beverages in Maple Heights, Ohio, in March—despite the owner’s having left the ATM’s door wide open with a sign reading “ATM emptied nightly.” Police are investigating. (2) Boca Raton, Florida, jeweler “Bobby” Yampolsky said he was suspicious that the “customer” who asked to examine diamonds worth $6 million carried no tools of the examination trade. After the lady made several obvious attempts to distract Yampolsky, he ended the charade by locking her in his vault and calling the police, who arrested her after discovering she had a package of fake diamonds in her purse that she likely intended to switch.

Great Art!

At what was billed as part of a cancer fundraising event at the AvantGarden in Houston in February, performance artist Michael Clemmons and a partner, working as the act Sonic Rabbit Hole, had the elegant idea that one give the other an enema on stage, but there was a “spraying” accident. Viewers were led to believe the procedure was authentic, but the artists swore later that the sprayed contents were just a protein shake. “What I did is not all that (extreme),” protested Clemmons. “I don’t understand why I’m getting the attention for this.”

The Passing Parade

Two convicted murderers imprisoned in Nepal married each other in February, though it will be at least 14 years before they can consummate. Dilli Koirala, 33 (serving 20 years for killing his wife), and Mimkosha Bista, 30 (with another four years to go for killing her husband), will be allowed to meet (just to talk) twice a month until Koirala’s term ends. (A lawyer involved in the case said the marriage, though odd, was perhaps the last chance either would have to meet a suitable match.)

Eyewitness News

On the morning of March 20 in Winter Park, Florida, Charles Howard, standing outside his home being interviewed live by a WFTV reporter, denied he had committed a crime in a widely reported series of voicemail messages to a U.S. Congressman, containing threats to “wrap a rope around your neck and hang you from a lamp post.” He boasted that “proof” of his having done nothing wrong was that if he had, he would have already been arrested. “Three minutes later,” according to the reporter, agents drove up and arrested Howard.

People Different From Us 

Hey, How About a Little “Remorse”: (1) Royce Atkins, 23, told the judge in Northampton County (Pennsylvania) in March that he was so sorry he did not stop his car in 2015 and help that 9-year-old boy he had just hit and killed. However, Atkins had earlier been jailhouse-recorded viciously trash-talking the boy’s family for “reacting like they’re the victims. What about my family? My family is the victim, too.” (Atkins got a four-year sentence.)

(2) In February, in a Wayne County (Michigan) court during sentencing for a DUI driver who had killed a man and severely injured his fiancée, Judge Qiana Lillard kicked the driver’s mother out of the courtroom for laughing at the victim’s sister who was tearfully addressing the judge. (Lillard sentenced the mother to 93 days for contempt, but later reduced it to one day).

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Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Uclick

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