Least Competent Criminals

A December post on the Marietta, Georgia, police department’s Facebook page chided a shoplifter still at large, who had left his ID and fingerprints (and inadvertently posed for security cameras). The police, noting “how easy” the man had made their job, “begged” him to give them some sort of challenge: “Please at least try to hide.” Suspect Dale Tice was soon in custody.


In January, tireless convicted fraudster Kevin Trudeau, who pitched magical remedies for countless ailments on late-night TV for almost 20 years (dodging investigations and lawsuits until the feds caught up with him in 2014), was turned down in what some legal experts believe might be his final judicial appeal. Still, he never gives up. From his cell at a federal prison in Alabama, he continued to solicit funding for appeals via his Facebook fans, promising donors that they could “double” their money. Also, he said he would soon share “two secrets” that would allow donors to “vibrate frequencies … to create the life (they) want.”

The Passing Parade

(1) Steve Crow of Point Loma, California, near San Diego International Airport, told a reporter he had given up – since no relief had come from the 20,068 complaints he made during 2016 about airport noise. (2) A six-point deer head-butted the owner of a fur company in Willmar, Minnesota, in November and broke into the building where thousands of recently harvested deer hides were being dried, largely wrecking the place. The owner was slightly injured, and the vengeful buck escaped.

A News of the Weird Classic (March 2013)

Leaders of the ice-fishing community, aiming for official Olympics recognition as a sport, have begun the process by asking the World Anti-Doping Agency to randomly test its athletes for performance-enhancing drugs, according to a February (2013) New York Times report. (The chairman of the U.S. Freshwater Fishing Association said, “We do not test for beer” because “everyone would fail.”) Ice-fishing is a lonely, frigid endeavor rarely employing strength but mostly guile and strategy, as competitors who discover advantageous spots must surreptitiously upload their hauls lest competitors rush over to drill their own holes.

Recent Alarming Headlines

“Man Mixing LSD and Cough Syrup Saves Dog From Imaginary Fire” (WNYT-TV, Albany, (Halfmoon?) N.Y.), 10-15-2016). (Panicked, he had first sought help from neighbors—who were unpersuaded by the sight of a fireless fire.)

“Santa Claus Speaks Out Against North Pole Ban of Marijuana Sales” (KTUU-TV, Anchorage) (Cannabis is legal in Alaska unless towns ban it, and the legally-named Mr. Claus needs it for cancer pain.) 11-4-2016

“Dog On Loose Causes Sheep To Have Sex With Their Sisters in Walton On The Hill” (The wild dog has wrecked a planned mating program, leaving female sheep to canoodle with each other) (Surrey Mirror, Redhill, England, 9-22-2016)

Least Competent Artists

Apparently the plan by a 33-year-old unlicensed, un-car-registered driver in Perth, Australia, in November to keep from being stopped by police was to print “POLICE” in large, official-looking letters on the sides of her white Hyundai, using a blue dry-erase board marker. (She was, of course, quickly stopped by police.)

A woman in a quiet north Minneapolis neighborhood told reporters she became fearful after seeing a large swastika spray-painted on a garage door down a nearby alley (just after election day!). (Problem: The base X of the correct design has “hooks” that should always extend to the right, clockwise; three of the Minneapolis “artist’s” awkwardly hook left.)

A News of the Weird Classic (February 2013)

An estimated 3.2 million kids ages 5-12 take mixed martial arts classes, training to administer beat downs modeled after the adults’ Ultimate Fighting Championships, according to a January (2013) report in ESPN magazine, which profiled the swaggering, mohawked Derek “Crazy” Rayfield, 11, and the doll-clutching fighting machine, Regina “The Black Widow” Awana, 7. Kids under age 12 fight each other without regard to gender, and blows above the collarbone, and on the groin, kidneys, and back are prohibited. “Crazy” delivered merciless forearm chest smashes before the referee intervened, and the “Black Widow” won her match in less than a minute via arm-bar submission. Parental involvement is said to be either “fear” of their child’s getting hurt or “encouragement” to be meaner.


Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Uclick

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