News Of The Weird

B y Chuck Shephard

LEAD STORY __________________

Professional Training Required: The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration announced in August that it had contract work for up to 2,100 language specialists to transcribe wiretaps, with immediate needs in the Atlanta field office for 144 Spanish experts, along with 12 for Vietnamese, and nine each for Korean, Farsi and “Ebonics.” Ebonics is recognized by some linguists as the “nonstandard” form of English spoken by African-Americans. (In one example cited by the Associated Press, offered by Stanford professor John Rickford, “th” endings are pronounced as “f,” e.g., “both” as “boaf.”)

The Continuing Crisis _______

Texas State Rep. Joe Driver, an 18-year House veteran whose website notes his opposition to “big spending habits of liberals in government,” was revealed in August to have been routinely double-billing the government for travel expenses and to have been genuinely surprised to learn that voters and colleagues might find that improper. Wrote the Associated Press: “Driver insists he thought the double-billing was perfectly appropriate — until talking about it with the AP,” at which point he appeared to change his mind. “Well, it doesn’t sound (appropriate) now (if) you bring it up that way,” he admitted. “(To learn that) pretty well screws my week.” For at least five years, Driver had been collecting from the government for expenses already reimbursed by his re-election campaign.

Every weekend for the last four years, parishioners from the New Beginnings Ministries church in Warsaw, Ohio, have gathered in front of The Fox Hole strip club in nearby Newcastle and tried to shame customers by photographing them and posting their license plate numbers on the Internet, and brandishing hellfire-threatening signs. Recently, however, Fox Hole’s strippers joined the duel, congregating on Sundays in front of New Beginnings, wearing bikinis and “see-through” shorts, dancing scandalously, squirting each other with jumbo water guns, and wielding their own Bible-quoting signs to greet the day’s worshippers.

The Los Angeles Unified School District has laid off nearly 3,000 teachers in the last two years, faces a $640 million annual shortfall, and runs some of the country’s worst-performing classrooms. However, in the last three years, it has opened three luxurious “Taj Mahal” schools costing $1.1 billion, including the $578 million, amenity-rich, architecturally grand Robert F. Kennedy school, opening in September. “New buildings are nice,” said one California Board of Education member, but not “when they’re run by the same people who’ve given us a 50 percent dropout rate.” Included in these elegant palaces are a state-of-the-art swimming pool, manicured public park, a restaurant-quality kitchen, modernistic towers, a cushioned dance floor — and of course lavish offices for teachers and administrators.

Democracy in Action ________

Wisconsin law permits independent candidates five-word statements to accompany their names on the ballot, to signal voters just as the words “Republican” and “Democrat” are signals, but Milwaukee Assembly candidate Ieshuh Griffin was ruled in July to have gone too far with her statement (“NOT the ‘whiteman’s bitch’”) (her capitalization and punctuation). Griffin said the decision baffled her since “everyone” she spoke with understood exactly what she meant.

Oops! _______________________

Joseph Wheeler filed a $12 million lawsuit in August against Prince George’s Hospital in Upper Marlboro, MD., over its treatment following a June 23 car accident. He was admitted with serious injuries, but hospital staff mistakenly marked him for next-day cancer surgery, and when he protested and tried to leave, two muscular staff “security” men restrained him, dishing out even more pain. Yelled one, according to the lawsuit, “Get off the floor, bitch!” “I don’t care who you think you are. This is my camp.” (The next day Wheeler talked his way out and over to St. Mary’s Hospital, where he was treated for four broken ribs, a sprained shoulder, a ruptured spleen and a concussion.)

Least Competent Criminals___

Unclear on the Concept: (1) In Maine Township, IL., Mr. Janusz Owca was arrested in August for choking his wife and was booked into jail and given his traditional phone call. With police listening, Owca called his wife and threatened to kill her. (2) Veteran criminal Nathan Pugh, 49, walked in to a Wells Fargo bank in Dallas on July 26 and presented his holdup note to a teller (claiming to have a “bom”). The teller told Pugh that she could not release large amounts of money without proper ID and convinced Pugh to turn over both a Texas state ID card and his Wells Fargo debit card, both in his own name. Police arrived just as Pugh was leaving and after an attempt to grab a hostage, he was arrested. (He even failed with the hostage – a woman carrying a child – who still managed to take Pugh to the floor.)

Recurring Themes____________

More Poor Multitaskers: (1) A 47-year-old woman accidentally drove off a boat ramp in Sacramento County, CA., in August and drowned, as she had become distracted on a cell phone call with her daughter. (2) In Cincinnati in August, Colondra Hamilton, 32, was arrested after a routine traffic stop. Officers said they found Hamilton with her pants unbuttoned, a sex toy in her lap, and a computer playing a video in the passenger seat.

Copyright 2010

Chuck Shepherd

Distributed by

Universal U-Click

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