On The Beat: 12/28

All the fake news (not) fit to print

By Jim Bucher

Well, with all the talk of fake news out there, we thought we’d get into the act, too. If you can’t beat them, join them, right?

By the way, you all know I love this city—and a few jabs here and there never hurt anyone. Unless you’re the President-elect who can’t seem to handle a joke aimed his way. (See his Twitter account.)

And, if I took a shot at you, it’s all in fun. Right?

At any rate, here are my predictions and fake news possibilities for 2017. Hope you enjoy.

McDonald’s and Burger King will merge. Yep, the new corporation will be called McKing! The Big Mac and Whopper will now be known as the Whop-Mac. No word on the McDonald’s characters, athough Ronald McDonald was spotted applying at Wendy’s.

Facebook will reorganize under chapter 11 bankruptcy. People are now forced to talk to each other in person. Eye contact becomes a major problem and people push navels thinking it’s the “like” button. Sinclair College retools classes, adding a human social skills curriculum. Former Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg applies at McKing, demands a minimum wage increase of $550 an hour, plus stock options and a company car.

Racism is eliminated in 2017… wait, sorry, too many cold meds.

Mayor Nan Whaley runs for Congress. Yes, the Dayton mayor wins the seat and moves to Washington. Former Mayor Paul Leonard takes her seat, and his toupee becomes vice mayor. One of the commissioners says anonymously, ‘This whole deal could become a very hairy situation.”

To combat the heroin epidemic, Dayton officials mix the narcotic in the drinking water supply. The city then bottles the water, and it becomes a hot seller around the country. Tax coffers explode. New slogan “Get high on Dayton” becomes a national catch phrase.

Carillon Park saves the first crack house. The dilapidated structure is moved to the historical campus, renovated, and quickly becomes one of Dayton’s most popular attractions, especially with free samples handed out by docents.

Premier Health and the University of Dayton re-develop the fairgrounds on South Main. Kroger, Kohl’s, and a variety of shops open on the site. Soon, it closes for lack of business, and Rumpke opens a landfill.

The arcade finally opens! Under the glass dome are a variety of shops and specialty stores. It, too, closes soon after, and Rumpke opens another landfill.

Rumpke stock prices soar.

The old Dayton Daily News building on Ludlow Street downtown is finally rehabbed. A “newseum” opens inside with exhibits highlighting Dayton’s great media moments. Former talk show icon Phil Donahue emcees the grand opening, but due to advanced age keeps asking, “Is the caller there?” Wife Marlo Thomas whisks him away to St. Jude’s Hospital for treatment.

The Dayton Development Collation hasn’t anything more to develop and shuts down.

Donald Trump resigns to spend full time on his business interests. Mike Pence becomes president, and gay conversion therapy becomes his top priority. To stay one step ahead, The Rubi Girls become The Rubi Guys, but in protest, continue to wear fashionable pink pumps.

The Downtown Dayton Optimist Club has a small faction of disgruntled dissenters who form a new group called the Downtown Dayton Pessimists. They disband shortly thereafter, when they can’t decide where to meet and complain about no parking downtown.

In 2017, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men still couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Gave it their best shot, though.

Also, in other news, the tortoise finally catches the hare! Details at 11 p.m.

The debate is finally over. The Wright Brothers are and were the first in powered flight. North Carolina was indeed the place where the boys flew a heavier-than-air craft, but in recently released, never-before-seen documents, the Wrights state they were on the way to Kettering, took a wrong turn, ended up at Kitty Hawk. Documents don’t lie, folks— plus, it was on the internet where everything is correct.

After almost 150 years, Little Jack Horner can leave his corner. Just for monthly supervised parental visitations.

Finally, a new brewery opens, using the Miami River as its primary source of water. It’s billed as giving you a “warm glow.” No really, the glow is from mercury and lead in the beer. Dayton Police and the OVI task force find it quite easy to spot drunks by how “lit” you are.

Remember folks, you heard it all here first.

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Buch

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Jim Bucher
For over 25 years, Jim Bucher has been a regionally known and loved local television icon. “Buch’s” followers describe him as trustworthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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