On the beat

Is it just me?

By Jim Bucher

 As I sit here pondering the subject of my next column, my Dad’s words come to mind, which I believe were plagiarized by a guy named Murphy – as in Murphy’s Law.

“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

I do believe this is the unofficial Bucher Law, too. From filling up the car right after they raise the price of gas 30 cents to that whining noise my car makes and promptly quits when I pull up to the auto repair shops. If it can go wrong for me, it usually does.

Case in point: Am I the only one that has Internet issues at my house? Well, according to one local Internet provider, the answer is, “no.” So, today, for the fifth time in six months, the Internet fix-it dude is here, at my house, scratching his head. But before all that, I called said Internet provider and clearly got someone from another country with a Middle Eastern accent who informs me his name is “Kenny.” Now, I’m sure people in Middle Eastern countries do have people named Kenny, but for some reason I’m not buying it.

After struggling to understand, I believe I’ve scheduled the Internet fix-it dude to come to my house one more time to fix what I’m paying for, but not getting.

After three new modems in six months, I’m told that the modem only has a 30-day warranty. So, wait – you’re telling me that a piece of equipment that stays on 24-7, 365 days a year is only guaranteed to be replaced for free if it malfunctions in less than 30 days?

Well, another thing I learned from my Dad is to speak up when you’re being wronged, and I believe this case qualified. After some haggling, my concerns were heard that obviously the manufacturer should go into a new line of business and I got a new modem for no charge.

That’s all well and good, but … you know what’s coming right?

Almost to the day, the new modem stops working again. So, I call yet again, but this time I get a Middle Eastern young lady who’s name she tells me is “Marilyn.” Again, not buying it. As we repeat the process above, my new modem arrives, this time with new wiring, etc.

Then the fun process begins, adding the login code to all our devices in our home. Of course the code is just shy of 75 digits, which amazes me, because you need a math major to figure it out.

OK, all is good. And then … Yep, here we go again …

Back to the phone, but this time I get someone from Brooklyn with the name of “Beatrice” who, by the way, is even tougher to understand. Where are Kenny and Marilyn when you need them?

This time a nice young man shows and tells me my problem is … well, he can’t tell me cause he’s scratching his head. There seems to be a lot of that.

Now follow me here.

He replaces a cable and is set to charge me $95 for a line that his company installed years ago.

Whoa there, pardner! You guys put it in originally, so it’s not my problem. Don’t make me call Kenny or Marilyn.

After more haggling, he needs to check with his supervisor. I said, “Remind the supervisor – I can only imagine what his name is – that I pay lots every month for Internet service and cell phones and it’s easy to switch.” That seemed to work when he saw what I pay, which could retire the national debt in a few years.

After an hour I’m informed that the speed of the Internet was lowered so the signal can connect a little better. All well and good, until the bill comes and my lowered speed is costing twice as much as the faster service.

Murphy you’re right, it’s happening.

Now here I sit, on my laptop writing my column, ready to ship it off to my wonderful editor Kyle here at the paper – who by the way, I can understand perfectly. He should be ecstatic, because I’m three days early, as opposed to three days later. But yet again, I have no Internet, so it’s either drive once again to the golden arches or the library to send it on its merry way.

Instead I pirate my neighbors, who it seems very rarely have the Internet repair dude’s vehicle in their driveway.

By the way, I have a permanent spot for my guy.

So, my question is, do any of you out there in Dayton City Paper Land have the same problem? Is it just me? Or are others suffering the same issues as me. I would love to hear from you.

In the meantime, I’m on the phone. But this time it’s “Bob” from what I think is Taiwan.

That’s right, Bob from Taiwan.

“Hey Bob, is Kenny or Marilyn available?”





The views and opinions expressed in On the Beat are the views and/or opinions of the author and do not reflect the views and/or opinions of the Dayton City Paper or Dayton City Media and are published strictly for entertainment purposes only.


For more than 25 years, “Buch” has been a local television icon. Known and loved by thousands in the Miami Valley, his followers describe him as trust-worthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and a role model. When it comes to promoting your business, Buch has the ability to grab your customer’s attention. Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.


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For over 25 years, Jim Bucher has been a regionally known and loved local television icon. “Buch’s” followers describe him as trustworthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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