On the beat

World exclusive: Santa speaks to the DCP

By Jim Bucher

So what do I have to lose? I logged on to northpole.com and found the “contact us” section. I did just that.

To whom it may concern:

Hello, my name is Jim Bucher and I’m sure you guys are super busy right now, but is there any chance for a quick interview with Santa for my weekly column in one of the finest publications in North America, the Dayton City Paper?

Sincerely, Jim Bucher (Buch)

Next thing I know, my phone rings…

Buch: Hello?

Caller: Yes, Mr. Bucker?

Buch: It’s Bucher, but please go ahead.

Caller: I’m a member of the Claus family. Sandy is my first name.

Buch: Wait, your name is Sandy …

Caller: Please, Mr. Butcher, I’ve heard all the jokes before.

Buch: My bad.

Sandy: I’m sorry, thought your name is Booker.

Buch: It is, I mean, no it’s Bucher, but …

Sandy: Please hold Mr. Bad.

After waiting a bit, listening to Donny Hathaway’s “This Christmas” on the other end, someone picks up.

Buch: Hello?

On the other end (in a deep voice): HO, HO, HO!

Buch: Santa?

Sandy: No, it’s me, Mr. Bad. Just kidding! Santa, go ahead.

Santa: Is this little Jimmy Bucher?

Buch: Well, yes and no. I’m not little Jimmy any longer, but …

Santa: What can I do for you?

Buch: Wow, it’s really you, Santa?

Santa: You were expecting Rudolph? Ho, Ho, Ho.

Buch: This is so cool, Santa! Hey, I won’t take up too much time; let’s get to it.

Santa: Sounds good to me. You know, we’re very busy this time of year, but we’ve automated and computerized everything up here in The North Pole, Inc.

Buch: That’s awesome. So first question, what’s life like there?

Santa: Well, lots of down time during the summer months. Mrs. Claus and I vacation to Miami Beach every year. We have a timeshare and take turns with the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.

Buch: Now that’s cool.

Santa: Yes, it’s funny, we can tell when the Tooth Fairy uses the condo ahead of us. She leaves hundreds of teeth under our bedroom pillows. What a cut-up.

Buch: Now that is amusing.

Santa: Hold on, Little Jimmy. (Listening to Santa talking to someone.) No, no, no, Billy gets the Barbie Doll. No, we don’t judge. (Back into the phone) OK, where were we?

Buch: So how do you make your rounds all over the world in one night?

Santa: It’s a closely guarded secret that only me, my head elf and the people at your Wright-Patterson Air Force Base know. It has to do with the space-time continuum, that’s all I can say.

Buch: Interesting. Then how do you get all the toys and gifts in one very large sack?

Santa: Shrink wrap!

Buch: And the reindeer flying, magic beans?

Santa: No baked beans – I think you know what I’m talking about.

Buch: And Rudolph’s red nose?

Santa: The result of too much eggnog!

Buch: Ha, ha! Now toy production. That has to be a monumental task.

Santa: Oh it is, but this time of year, we run three round-the-clock shifts with Elf Union Local 1225.

Buch: Unionized elves?

Santa: Yes, organized a few years back under my suggestion. We had a problem supervisor who caused dissension. He’s no longer with the company.

Buch: What’s he doing now?

Santa: Why, he became the vice president under George W. Bush.

Buch: You mean Dick Cheney was your problem supervisor?

Santa: One in the same. You should see what he gets every year. But he enjoys coal.

Buch: So where did you meet Mrs. Claus?

Santa: Online dating service.

Buch: Really?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, no! We met at a toy convention in Fresno. She in that red dress and cute spectacles – what a vision.

Buch: Sweet. Now back to toys. You manufacture only at Christmastime?

Santa: No, all year. We contract out with our Jewish friends for Hanukkah and also Apple.

Buch: You build iPhones?

Santa: Yes, and wait until you see iPhone 7! It will knock your stockings off, but I can’t talk about it. By the way, Siri’s voice is Mrs. Claus!

Buch: How ’bout that?

Santa: Excuse me, Mr. Bad …

Buch: Again, with the bad …

Santa: Santa has time for one more question.

Buch: Ok, this is it. Santa, you grant wishes every year, so what’s yours?

Santa: Simple! That we all live together in peace and harmony and learn to love our neighbors. Happy Holidays. CLICK!

That’s great, Santa, but it could be difficult to get all that in a stocking.

Cheers and Merry Christmas!

Buch

A regionally known and loved local television icon for over 25 years, “Buch’s” followers describe him as trust-worthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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For over 25 years, Jim Bucher has been a regionally known and loved local television icon. “Buch’s” followers describe him as trustworthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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