On the beat

Buch’s 2015 predictions

By Jim Bucher
This is it!

My annual tradition is back – “Buch’s Predictions for 2015.”Only this time, it looks like I got the whole Dayton City Paper team on board, too!

In the past, some were plausible; others just plain silly, but were all in good-natured fun.

To be on the safe side though, the views and opinions herein do not necessarily reflect those of Dayton City Paper management and staff.

Had to get that legal deal in there somewhere. LOL.

To recap, let’s see how I did last year.

________

PREDICTIONS FOR 2014:

“The City of Dayton decides to cut back on its tight budget by devising an ingenious plan to deal with its leaf collection in the fall by cutting down all trees. Leaf problem solved. A group of saplings stage a ‘plant in’ at city hall in protest.”

And …

“This will happen in 2014: the Oakwood Historical Society will donate its most prized possession to the National Archives and Records Administration, the first speeding ticket ever written in the country to … Orville Wright. According to the Dayton Daily News from that era, ‘He was flying.’”

And …

“I predict red light cameras will be abolished and reinstalled at our elected officials’ homes. With live feeds via the web, we can now keep an eye on them.”

And, finally …

“NCR’s Old River Park, now owned by the University of Dayton, will be transformed back to its original glory. The new ‘UD’s Old River’ will offer swimming again, big checkers and chess, movies at night and canoeing in the lagoon.

“To replicate the days of old, blocks of ice will be placed in the pool so you’ll freeze your ??? off, just the way you remember.”

Ok, I’m 0-4 for 2014, but now, looking in my buchtvguy.com (blatant plug) crystal ball, here are some things I think may happen in 2015 in Dayton and the Miami Valley.

________

1. The city of Dayton will continue to tear down dilapidated eye sores, leaving empty lots. In conjunction, a new city slogan will launch.

Instead of “Dayton Patented; Originals Wanted.”, The new slogan will be “Dayton Patented; Originally, we had a lot of homes here.” No word on when it will launch.

2. The Dayton Arcade is saved! Plans call for a mixed-use redevelopment, including shops, housing and the glass dome, that will be completely refurbished by CBS. Yep, you guessed it, the location will be used for next season’s wildly popular Under the Dome TV show. Not a bad trade off, right?

3. Parking meters will be abolished. Free on street parking will be offered daily. To make up for lost revenue, the city will charge a fee to pedestrians.

4. Also in 2015, the City of Dayton will ask all employees to take a 3 percent pay cut. The decision will be made during city staffers two-week “retreat” to Jamaica. Departing City Manager Tim Riordan will not be reached for comment, as he will be too far out on his wave runner.

5. Dayton Police will purchase 15 drones to keep an “eye in the sky” over high crime areas. So next time you utter, “Where’s a cop when you need one?” just look up.

6. Speaking of our men and women in uniform: In light of recent events, all officers will be outfitted with body cameras. The fun begins when a few forget they’re still recording while visiting the bathroom. Hilarity ensues when one video wins the $10,000 America’s Funniest Home Videos grand prize. For more details on the content of the winning video, please instant message me on Facebook. (We can’t print it here!)

7. Dayton is chosen as the site for the 2015 National Cat Convention. Felines and their owners descend on the Miami Valley for two big weekends. Local pet food stores can’t keep catnip and kitty litter on shelves. One local official, quoting a James Bond movie, says, “It’s pussy galore.”

Other 2015 Buch’s Predictions include:

Fax machines will make a huge comeback and pigs will fly.

Charlie Sheen will run for president and YouTube will ban cute kitty and puppy videos.

And, speaking of social media, Facebook and Google will merge to form Fagoogle.

I’m going out on a limb with this one: the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series. (Please see earlier comment that pigs will fly.)

Gas prices will drop to under $2 per gallon here and across the country.

The economy will grow by leaps and bounds.

Unemployment will drop to historic lows as businesses hire in record numbers. Alas, there’s no joke here, but a guy can dream can’t he?

Cheers and Happy New Year,

Buch

A regionally known and loved local television icon for over 25 years, “Buch’s” followers describe him as trust-worthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

 

Editor’s note: This piece originally appeared in the Dec. 30, 2014 “Year In Preview” special satire/humor issue of the Dayton City Paper.

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For over 25 years, Jim Bucher has been a regionally known and loved local television icon. “Buch’s” followers describe him as trustworthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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