Nipples, nipples everywhere

What’s the point?

By Jim Bucher

Why is everyone worked up about nipples? We all have them, right? If you have no idea what I’m talking about, just check out our front cover. That’s a lot of nipples!

So, Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines a nipple as “the protuberance of a mammary gland upon which in the female the lactiferous ducts open and from which milk is drawn.”

Also, “a small projection through which lubricant is injected.” Wow, there’s a couple of lines there, but I’ll pass.

My point is, how come guys can walk around sans shirts with nipples exposed for all to see, but females not so much?

Is it morally wrong? Are we hung up on exposed nipples? Is it something instilled in us as children?

Remember Janet/Justin Nipple-gate during the Super Bowl when a wardrobe malfunction exposed the singer/superstar’s private part for millions to see? Janet’s, not Justin’s. If I’m not mistaken, it was the most DVR’d slow-motion playback, frame by frame, in the history of the medium.

The CBS network caught all kinds of hell for the millisecond milestone in broadcast history. Funny, after that happened a slew of penile dysfunction ads ran. But I digress.

So, here we are with the annual sex issue in Dayton City Paper. Every year our wonderful staff of columnists writes about the topic at hand.

I mean, I’m no expert by any stretch, but spawned two kids, which means I had sex at least twice.

It’s been an interesting read, and I can only imagine what the editorial meeting was like.

Would have given anything to be a fly on the wall for that one. Quite possibly could’ve gone like this:

STAFF: “OK, what should our topic be?”

OTHER STAFF: “How about sex in movies?”

STAFF: “Nah, we’ve covered that to death.”

OTHER STAFF: “Sex on TV?”

STAFF: “Same.”

OTHER STAFF: “Sex in books, magazines, etc.”

STAFF: “Been there, done that.”

OTHER STAFF: “How about nipples?”

STAFF:Perfect, now what are we getting for lunch?”

Now, back to the matter at hand. So, guys can walk around bare chested and it’s no big deal, right? Even though man boobs are an unsightly mess and really do need to be covered up. Can I get an amen on that?

And in some area cities it’s illegal to cut your grass with your shirt off. Yep, it is the law in Oakwood.

Personally, I say rescind this order and ladies, have at it. Think about it from the speed trap capital of the world: Drivers would slow down. Problem solved. Although revenue would drop drastically…

So, as I’m writing this, up pops a post from Vogue magazine online and an interview with Jennifer Aniston, Rachel of Friends fame.

One of the many topics was the actress’s protruding nipples in many scenes on the sit-com classic. Funny, don’t think I ever noticed. LOL.

In the article Jennifer says, “Yeah, don’t know what to say about that! It’s just one of those things, I guess. I wear a bra, and don’t know what to tell ya. And don’t know why we’re supposed to be ashamed of them—it’s just the way my breasts are.”

Jennifer doesn’t care, and neither should we.

Now how many of you guys out there will now watch every rerun to find out for sure?

Well, as I do occasionally, it’s time to hear from our readers on the nipple, er, subject at hand.

Joe writes, “I have two daughters, 18 and 21. They both refuse to wear bras. When I ask why, they say, you don’t, why should we? To which I reply, I’m a guy. That just opens up a huge can of worms. Guess they got that from their mother. For now, we agree to disagree. Maybe because I’m a little old fashioned. I believe in modesty. No sense in showing off the goods.

Carolyn chimes in with, “Well, how is this any different than a man wearing a speedo. You can pretty well tell what’s up down there. I mean really, what’s the big deal? And speaking of, some men don’t have a big deal. I’ll leave it at that.

Ouch, that one was a little below the belt! Yes, I meant to say that.

Finally, Jess ends with, “You’ve seen one nipple, you’ve seen them all.

When on earth did I lose control of this column? I need to get “abreast” of the situation.

And, the nipple debate rages on.

Cheers!

Buch

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Jim Bucher
For over 25 years, Jim Bucher has been a regionally known and loved local television icon. “Buch’s” followers describe him as trustworthy, fun, the guy next door, a friend and role model. You can promote your business with Buch and grab your customer’s attention! Reach DCP freelance writer Jim Bucher at JimBucher@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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