Perpetual Douchebag Syndrome

T his one’s for the ladies. 

Appendix A

Perpetual Douchebag Syndrome is defined (by me) as a hateful, cyclical set of self-defeating, empty relationship skills that inevitably result in the sufferer whining to their emotionally stable and normal friends about how they always seem to end up dating douchebags.  It works something like this:

A semi-naive and attention-grubbing girl of medium to severe hotness has made it a life choice to seek out suitable relationship partners in places like bars.  The reason for this is that she likes being lavished with attention regardless of the douchebagginess of the admirer.  Sweet as she may be, this also makes her pretty stupid an annoying because there’s absolutely no reason she couldn’t have a bit more self esteem, but on some sick level she actually prefers it this way because attention is a little like drugs;  easy to get and makes you feel special right now.  Unfortunately it also has the same side effects, like going down on a filthy pig of a guy in a dumpster ridden alley behind a bar at three in the morning.  (Ladies, if you ever stop and realize that personal validation in your life also has a strong seminal association, GET SOME F-KING THERAPY, PLEASE!!!) 

So here’s how it works.  On any given night, the girl in question ends up going home with whoever the coolest guy in the bar is.  This is usually a total douchebag, because 99% of the time the coolest guy hanging out at a bar at 3AM on Tuesday night is, well, nothing more than the curds that float to the top of the vinegar and water.  So she always seems to be in a turbulent, precarious relationship with some douchebag that inevitably ends three weeks later with you dimly listening to her whiny crap for the millionth time on the phone while you try to concentrate on more important tasks in your well-ordered normal life like fixing the goddamned garbage disposal that stopped working for no apparent reason.   

Now ordinarily I don’t care if girls are stupid because their blatant stupidity made it orders of magnitute easier for me to sort the high-quality girls like my lovely wife out of the pack.  But when this girl breaks up with a guy, her self esteem goes right back into the toilet because that little empty place where it should go isn’t being constantly topped off with alcohol and semen.  So where does she go?  The library?  A spa?  School?  Nope.  Right back to the f-ing bar, where she inevitably picks up the next “coolest douchebag in the world.”  

Here’s the tragedy.  More often than not these girls are actually very nice, but because of their relationship choices they don’t really know what’s normal and reasonable to expect from a quality guy. Over time they cease to be able to remember the difference.   They forget there are finer things in life than the fun.  So what happens when the once-a-year-or-possibly-longer really nice guy comes along who validates your decision to respect yourself and wait for a real catch?  They don’t get together because…she’s in a relationship with some douchebag from the bar.


Fear not the life of lonliness

Let douchebags come and go

For when you meet the real thing

Again, fear not…you’ll know.

Love yourselves a bit ladies.  You’re special.


Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach Ben Tomkins at

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