Sign Language: 01/16

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’ve heard all about how weaknesses can be strengths, and vice versa, but you haven’t quite mastered putting the idea into practice. This week, let’s change all that. By trying to hide or protect that vulnerable spot of yours, you’re perpetuating it as a weakness, and setting yourself up for failure, embarrassment, and unhappiness. Here’s another option: Wear the thing on your sleeve. Own it. Make it something that no one can hurt you with. Once your Achilles’ heel is out in the open, you’ll finally see how much energy you were expending trying to keep it secret, and what a relief it is, now that it’s not.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s like when you lose a tooth and your tongue can’t stop probing the place where it used to be. It makes you cringe every time, yet you just can’t stop poking that tender spot. Maybe you’re a masochist. Maybe you’re just curious how much self-torture you’ll allow yourself. Whatever the reason, don’t let it make you too nuts, because you’re not going to be able to stop yourself for a while. This temporary habit will go away, however. You just have to wait for a new tooth to grow in, or the pain to fade, or just for something else to distract you. So go ahead and poke at the sore spot this week, and don’t kick yourself in the ass for doing it. By this time next month (perhaps sooner), you’ll have already forgotten all about it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I didn’t fulfill all 38 of last year’s New Year’s resolutions, but I can say that I took a fair stab at most of them, and accomplished more than half of them. I secretly knew that would happen, so I’m not too hard on myself that I let 40% of my intentions fall through the cracks. I honestly gave that list a good crack and truly tried to do them all. I didn’t give up on half of them right from the start—which is just what you’re contemplating doing with some of your newest intentions. You may fail with some of the things you want to do. But you’ve got to act like you’ll succeed at all of them—otherwise you won’t succeed at any of them.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I think you could be happier if your outsides better matched your insides. I’ll agree with you that people shouldn’t judge you on your appearance. But sometimes it’s all they have, initially, upon which to form an opinion. Based on those criteria, their first impressions of you generally aren’t all that impressive. Work on that this week. It’s not superficiality. Think about it like this: if you were in charge of selling a product you really believed in, what would you do? You’d advertise. You really believe in yourself, don’t you? Work on your advertisement.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Now that the mess from New Year’s is finally totally cleaned up, you have nothing to remind you of the holidays and nothing like them to look forward to for months. (If you count Valentine’s Day as a real holiday, I feel sorry for you.) However, what would you say if I told you it was possible to make the next 30 days more special than any of the Chrismukkah madness was? This month your potential to connect with the people you love is powerful. All it requires is a bit of effort on your part. Here’s my question: now that you know you can make January 2018 amazing for everyone you love, why the hell wouldn’t you?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Very lucky (or heretofore unsuccessful) people tend to regard the path to success as a straight line stretching directly from their starting point to triumphant victory. Most successful people know that in truth the path is full of zigs and zags, unpredictable u-turns, and veritable shit-tons of failure. Letting yourself be deterred or unduly disappointed with the inevitable knocks you take on the path is what will keep you just where you are, or worse. Recognize that failing is all part of the process, pick yourself up, and move on to your next, bigger, better failure!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Here’s a gross metaphor: You’re carrying around lots of shit unnecessarily. I mean that literally and figuratively. Get a high colonic and you’ll be amazed at what comes out of you. Then know that you’re holding onto just as much emotional crap that you’d be better off rid of. Shedding those unwanted spiritual burdens isn’t as easy as spending a few hours on the toilet, however. I think you have a clue as to what will help you get started on flushing out those grudges, injuries, scars, jealousies, and so on. This week, why don’t you give it a try?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Recreate yourself. Powerful Leos are good at that. You have the ability to reinvent yourself from the ground up and present a “new you” to the people in your life. Lots of people can do that—but only a few have the kind of charismatic charm it takes to really pull it off. You’re one of them. Maybe you don’t need an overhaul. However, there are definitely things you can and should change. Renovate, remodel, or recreate yourself this week, because next week’s a great time to introduce everyone to the “new you.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

For someone who’s known as being insanely practical, you’re also frequently intensely irrational. I guess sagacity doesn’t necessarily accompany pragmatism. I’ve watched Virgos take very analytical, apparently levelheaded approaches to ventures that are at their cores sheer lunacy. This, my dear friend, is one. You’re acting just a bit crazy, and this nutso idea you’re hanging onto so tightly, which would be harmless in anyone else’s hands, is quite dangerous in your all-too-capable ones. It’s more or less a loaded gun, filled with real bullets. Drop it, now, and walk away slowly. Don’t look back.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I’m not a huge fan of extreme solutions. I think very few problems are actually black and white enough to justify such unilateral measures. For example, although for many it’s obviously the way to go, I’d argue that some “alcoholics” don’t need to “solve” their problem by calling themselves recovering alcoholics for the rest of their lives and never touching another drop of the stuff. Your problems are also not so cut-and-dry. They’re complex, and thus require complex solutions. I know, that’s a lot more work. But it’s also the only right answer, unlike the too-pat, oversimplified one you’re thinking of settling for.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If I had a ton of money, one of the things I’d do is start a school, one that fostered every form of intelligence there is, and didn’t just focus on language and math. It would be designed from the ground up to expose children to myriad possibilities, and when someone expressed an interest in something, it would help her run with it and take that interest as far as possible. Instead of saying, “This is what you should learn,” the school would ask: “What would you love to learn?” Until that day, however, a good education will have to happen on a more grassroots level—starting with you Scorps. You’re in a position to help a child (of any age) learn something and run far with it. Please, won’t you do so?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Instead of trigonometry, they ought to teach us life management skills in school. I’m not talking the crappy Home Ec course you probably had to take. I mean it would be great to have someone teach you how to juggle a relationship with a career, or how to actively pursue your real dreams while doing what you have to do to make ends meet, or how to truly enjoy your life without a lot of money. You’re already an expert at a few of these things. Won’t you join our Scorpio friends and help teach the rest of us how to make the world a better place?


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