Sign Language: 12/19

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This week promises to be one of the busiest, astrologically, and the most dramatic, socially, this year. I see you quivering with dread, because if there’s one thing you’re not good at, it’s drama. There’s a part of you that already can’t wait for the holidays to be over with. However, the sooner you accept that you’re a key player in this week’s soap opera and that skipping out on the show is simply not an option, the better. One way or another, you’ll be dragged (probably kicking and screaming) onto set and forced to perform. Why not just accept (and, indeed, embrace) the role you’re stuck in, and do the best you can to deliver a brilliant, inspiring performance?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You think your life’s hard? Bullshit. Get over yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself or moping of any kind is strictly forbidden this week, Aquarius. At the moment, your life is cake compared to most of the rest of ours. If it feels difficult, that’s because you’re just being way too wimpy about it. It’s big picture time, sweetheart. Recognize that almost everyone around you is worse off in some way than you are. They need your help, help you’ll only be able to give if you’re not immersed in your own Lite version of misery.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Watch in amazement as many of the people you know are thrown into the kind of inner and outer turmoil you’re already accustomed to in your day-to-day. This week you get to be the stable one that everyone clings to as they navigate all the confusion. You rock at surfing this kind of chaos—even if you feel hopelessly inadequate, remember that it’s all relative; you’re still loads better than anyone else you know. Fish people out of the mess, wring out their sopping wet clothes, hand them a cup of hot cocoa, and tell them it’s going to be alright (as only you can, since you know). Someday, my dear, they’ll return the favor.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your inability to tell when your unique ideas are inspired or insane is both a strength and weakness, and one of the many things I love about you. However, there are times to ignore the naysayers, and times to take them seriously. This week, when folks you respect try to divert you from the path you’re on, don’t just bowl them over and tear on down the road anyway. Your destination will still be there in a month if you decide later that you do really need to go there. For now, forget about all that and let your friends sit you down and stuff you full of Christmas cookies and eggnog.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re stuck in a talent rut! Please recognize that there are good and bad times to exercise your gifts, and try to be more flexible about which ones you use when. Break your habits. Your green thumb, for instance is mostly wasted at this time of year; even the houseplants are sort of lackadaisical about it. Take a vacation from your most-used talents this week, since they’re hardly called-for, and revisit ones you’d nearly forgotten about, but which would be much more handy right now. The houseplants will survive without your most top-notch care, but some of the people in your life might wilt without it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don’t get carried away by your vivid imagination; this week it’s likely to take you preposterous places that’ll only make you crazy, by promising you riches you’ll never get, threatening you with disasters that’ll never happen, or both. You’re a kite in hurricane winds. You’d better be sure someone reliable and strong is hanging onto the string. Without that anchor, you’re worse than useless, likely to do a nose dive or get stuck in a tree. Who’s your rock? Be sure they know it. With their help you can soar; without it, you’ll only crash and burn.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Are you wondering why people are always pushing your buttons? It’s because you wear them on your forehead, silly, and they’re surrounded by blinking neon signs that say “Push me.” You’ve got to work on your poker face. When people know how to wind you up so easily, it’s very hard to resist doing exactly that. Don’t let someone know they’ve accidentally brushed up against one of your sore spots unless you’re absolutely certain they can resist the temptation to keep poking at it. Most people can’t, so if they land a lucky hit, get better at hiding it. If they never know how close they came to sinking your battleship, they won’t keep firing shots in that direction.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You have a long history of being churned through the gossip mill as well as of buckling yourself into the epic rollercoaster of hopes and dreams. Both can be harrowing but fun rides, but only the latter will actually get you anywhere good. This week, resist the temptation to jump onto the high-speed merry-go-round of pettiness and drama. It won’t take you anywhere, and you’ll come off it without any change in your pockets, feeling queasy and sick-at-heart. The other ride’s just as likely to empty your pockets, and scare the shit out of you, but you’ll also feel inspired, and probably get right back in line to ride it again.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t try to paddle backwards, just because you see rapids ahead. That’s actually the worst thing you can do. You’re in the grip of a current, and the most you’d accomplish by frantically trying to reverse direction is to hold your position for a little while, and exhaust yourself in the process, thereby making the imminent whitewater that much more harrowing and dangerous. No, what you should do when you glimpse the choppy, chaotic scene ahead is plunge immediately into it, since right now your energy and concentration are as high as they’re going to get. Waiting will only make the ride more dangerous. Marshal your courage, Virgo, and dive in—now.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

For some signs, doing something is as easy as deciding it. For a Leo, all they have to do to quit smoking is really decide to quit smoking. Unfortunately, for signs that have trouble making such unequivocal decisions (I’m looking at you, dear), taking action and committing to it can be a lot trickier. That, regrettably, is exactly what’s required of you this week: a quick decision that you can and will actually stick to. I know this isn’t your forte, but you’ve got to dig deep and figure it out, fast. Choosing and committing to your choice may be difficult, but it’s nothing compared to coping with what you’ll lose if you don’t.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Show your love more. Scorpios sometimes feel things so deeply that they’re scared to show them, and keep their emotions well hidden behind a façade usually composed of cynicism or sarcasm. But this week a heartfelt display of your actual feelings—with emphasis on the positive ones, of course—would serve you well. It might feel corny to you, but it’ll go over well. I want to see an exponential increase on hugs, affection, and declarations of love, pride, and loyalty this week. Ignore (or bask in) the shock and confusion you may cause; it’s all part of the plan.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Invest in your future. There’s nothing wrong with living in the moment, and you Archers are especially good at it. But there’s something to be said for planning ahead and setting yourself up for nice moments to live in later, especially when you’re gifted with an awesome opportunity to get a lot of return on your investment, be it money, time, energy, or emotion. This week ought to present you with just such a chance, and you should grab it and make the most of it. It’s really quite simple. Take this week to plan ahead and set yourself up nicely, or take many weeks later to just kick yourself for not doing it.


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