Sign Language Astrology

L ibra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sure, you could bake a traditional apple pie, but these particular guests would probably be more excited if, when they cut into that innocuous crust, they discovered bacon and pecans, or avocado and kiwi—something surprising and just as delicious, if not more so. Thinking outside the box isn’t your specialty, I know; you generally prefer to be creative while coloring inside the lines. However, you’re more than capable of it and could stand to do more of it—so this week, practice. It’s not often you’ll have an audience this appreciative of a little creative experimentation.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When someone perpetrates evil, it’s hard not to wish them ill. That’s human nature. However, as much as they may deserve it, sometimes the bad shit that befalls them turns into even more evil going down later. The only way out of a spiraling mess of misery may be to take the high road, let go, and move on. That is, of course, an incredibly hard thing to do, especially for you occasionally bloodthirsty Scorpios. However, I guarantee that should you manage to actually do it, you’ll feel lighter and more free than you have in ages.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The problem with porn and celebrities is that many people have trouble settling for someone who doesn’t look like a porn or movie star. The truth is there aren’t enough of those good-looking stars to go around, and most of them would rather date each other than lowly mortals like the guy or gal next door. I’m not generally a fan of lowering your standards—unless those standards are so high that it’s extremely unlikely you’ll even meet such a person, let alone be in a situation to have them fall in love with you. Sure, you can hold out for the best in the world, but you’re likely to be pretty lonely. Won’t you at least consider going for the best of what’s actually available, instead?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Being picky is okay most of the time; you know what you want, so there’s no point in wasting anyone’s time pretending you’ll be happy with anything else. However, it does occasionally limit you by failing to take into account your own (perhaps unconsciously) changing preferences and needs. What displeased you a year or decade ago might prove to the be just the refreshing thing you need in your life now. However, since it’s in the “No-no” category, you might never get the chance to figure that out. Remember exceptions to the rules are usually exceptional—and ultimately much better. Allow for them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarians with discipline are virtually unstoppable. The combination of your intelligence and creativity with real persistence and determination is a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, developing that deep discipline isn’t necessarily easy for you. Obviously, it’s not something you can really produce overnight, either. It takes practice, and a humble willingness to try again when you fall short. This week may be one of those times when you must rise from a tumble, dust yourself off, and head back into the fray. Demonstrate that nothing will stop you from doing exactly that—especially not your own self.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Let’s say you use birth control consistently, but somehow a pregnancy occurs anyway. How do you react? Most Pisces I know would view this as “a sign,” and probably choose to go ahead and have this unplanned baby, regardless of how well or poorly it fit in with the rest of their lives. However, while I appreciate the way you imbue so many things with meaning, it’s important to remember that some things are just accidents, not messages indicating some higher, unseen design. Since the accident this week isn’t a baby, and proceeding as planned doesn’t involve anything so drastic as an abortion, at least consider doing that.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Sure, it’d be easier and more economical to just leave your Halloween decorations up all year—but hardly appropriate. The kind of laziness you’re embracing, while less extreme (although perhaps no less comical), is definitely in the same category. Believe me, I’m a champion procrastinator, but even I recognize that sometimes you just have to suck it up and get shit done. This, my dear, is one of those annoying times. Life is full of seemingly “unnecessary” work that, for one reason or another, has become necessary. Stop railing against it and just get it done.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Tolerating ignorance in acquaintances is one thing, but sometimes it falls on you to gently but firmly correct it in those closer to you. This is a thankless task; sometimes it’ll earn you scorn, resentment, or anger instead of thanks. However, please realize that you may be the only one who’s in a position (or simply willing) to correct the situation. If you can do so without coming off like a snobbish prig, more power to you; however, if that’s the only way to get the job done, suck it up and take on those unflattering labels.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Saying no has never been your forte; however, it’s an essential skill, and you know you need to learn to decisively exercise it more often. It’s hard, I know, especially when the requests you ought to refuse come from compelling, attractive people you want to impress. Just try to keep in mind that sticking to your guns might actually impress them more than bending to their will. This week should give you several excellent, no-brainer opportunities; don’t let yourself be suckered, intimidated, charmed, or tricked into passing them up and accidentally saying “yes,” or even “maybe.” The answer is no, and you know it—so say it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I know parents who’ve tried everything to get their young children to be non-conformist, but, despite their best efforts, their little boys are obsessed with dinosaurs and their little girls want to dress like sparkly fairy princesses every single day. I think it’s important to present options, of course, and allow for multiple possibilities; however, nonconformity for its own sake is fairly pointless. Kids will like what they’ll like, and their parents have to be okay with it, even if it’s the same boring things all the other kids like. You should give yourself permission to like what you like, too, even if it’s not what you think you should enjoy or it’s the same boring thing everyone else is into. I mean, really—why would you ever deny yourself that?

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I have friends with whom I enjoy humorously combative banter, but this is sometimes misunderstood by people who don’t know us well. We enjoy debate and sarcasm and actually have a blast hanging out, but have occasionally stressed acquaintances out with our “constant bickering.” We think it’s hilarious (in many years of being close we’ve never had a real fight), but recognize that around certain delicate folk it’s best to tone things down. You may need to do the same this week. This isn’t about censoring yourself; it’s just about chilling out a little, for the sake of someone else’s comfort. It’s not too much to ask.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Life throws curveballs, notoriously and consistently. You could hold out for the perfect partner, and they could be crippled in a car accident the day after your wedding. Dismissing people because of imperfections—especially ones they can’t help—is pretty foolish, especially if they were honest enough to reveal them unprompted. This isn’t just about not being shallow (although it is about that, of course); it’s also about being realistic;  despite your practicality, when it comes to love you engage in some foolish illusions. This is one. This isn’t about settling for an imbecile when you want a genius, but rather noticing that the genius you wanted didn’t necessarily come in the package you were expecting.

To contact Caeriel send mail to
sign.language.astrology@gmail.com.


No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

News of the weird: 11/18

With Chuck Shepherd The other world series In October, another premier world sports event reached its climax, with one team […]

Advice Goddess 11/18/14

Along came polygraph by Amy Alkon   I’m an aspiring comedian – seriously aspiring – so I’m out most nights […]

The Docket: 11/18

Strange, but true: Dayton’s police blotter, reported verbatim Researched and reported by Charles Grove A new trend? A 36-year-old woman […]

Advice Goddess: 11/11

By Amy Alkon Scold rush  I try to be direct, but my girlfriend often sees this as meanness. For example, […]

The Docket 11/11/14

Strange, but true: Dayton’s police blotter, reported verbatim Researched and reported by Charles Grove Hail seizure! Officers responded to a […]

news of the weird 11/11

by Chuck Shepherd Lead Story – Baby beauty Amanda Collins, 28, took “beauty pageant mom” to the next level (down) […]