Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

As you revisit half-forgotten haunts from your past, you’ll probably encounter pieces of yourself you thought you’d left behind forever. That’s part of the deal. Luckily, it’s not all bad, and neither are these old incarnations of you. Each of them has positives and negatives, and something to teach or remind you that will enhance who you are today. Try to welcome them like old friends and acquaintances, with as open a heart and mind as you can manage. Chances are, you’ll leave the whole experience feeling better about who you’ve become than you ever have.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Here’s your week: You’re cruising along the side roads, making steady progress, and finally you pull onto the highway—and your engine dies. At the very moment the road opens up before you, giving you the freedom to really cut loose, something’s likely to keep you from hitting the gas and speeding down it. Don’t get frustrated when gazing down that long, promising, inaccessible highway. Because this is likely to happen, I recommend picking up any sexy hitchhikers you might pass along the way—then at least you’ll have their company while stranded in limbo, which might make it not so bad.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Jump the gun. Though you’ve been patiently waiting for the starting pistol to go off before you run this race, it’s totally okay (and even wise) to get a head start when you can. This will help a lot when unforeseen (except by me) disasters, delays, and obstacles crop up. Get going now, even if it seems like you have more than enough time to finish this race twice over, so when shit happens, you’ll be so far ahead of the game you’ll manage to finish on time anyway. Anyone who’s got a clue will be seriously impressed.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Because you’re such complex, multifaceted creatures, many Pisces have trouble bringing all the different aspects of yourselves to the table when tackling any given task. This week is all about learning how to show up for the job with all the useful tools you have in hand, and leave the clown noses and dog collars at home until you actually need them. The most successful Pisces I know are able to change up a situation so that it will bring out the best in them. The sooner you can figure out what you need, and master how to manifest it, the sooner you’ll be able to bring all of yourself to everything you do.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I know you hate this job, but this week you’re our official Bubble Burster. I think you despise doing this mostly because so many of your own hopes and dreams have been dashed over the years, and you know exactly how awful it feels. Use that experience to make you a kinder, gentler Shatterer of Dreams. Sometimes breaking down someone’s unrealistic expectations is actually the nicest thing you can do, since tearing those down will force them to build up some new, hopefully more achievable goals. Take heart. Those whose hopes you trample may despise you now, but they will love and thank you later.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week’s mantra: It’s not your job to educate people. Sometimes that is your job, but I’m afraid in this case these dolts are too stupid to get it, no matter how simply you put it. You’ll just have to work around them. Dispassionately consider them as obstacles, and plan a route circumventing them that will still efficiently allow you to arrive at your destination. Sometimes it’s a good idea to put in the time to try to transform adversaries to allies. These guys, however, just aren’t worth it. They’re speed bumps and lamp posts, no more.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Be a jellyfish. Forget having a backbone or standing tall but instead be fluid, transparent, and apparently harmless. Remember that most jellyfish are venomous (some lethally so), despite their seeming helplessness and beauty. Being bold and righteous may make you feel powerful, but it’ll only needlessly make you a target. Chill out and act squishy and spineless. You might take a more circuitous route to get there, in the end, but eventually you’ll float gently to your destination without a problem. What’s more, you won’t feel like you had to work that hard for it; it’s likely to feel more like you’re coming back from a vacation.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

When you ask advice, you usually already know what you want to do. You’re actually just seeking permission or validation. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it might not be the best strategy when your advisors don’t give you the advice you want. It’s good to listen to your friends’ counsel, but in this case your instincts are paramount. No one else can know what it’s like to be in your shoes. What seems right from their perspective just isn’t, from yours. You know what you want to do. Stop fishing around for reassurance and just do it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I advised your Gemini buddies to chill out and drift and appear helpless this week. I wish I could give you the same advice, but I’m afraid you suck at hiding your power, and you’re already too much of a target for that strategy, in any case. You might as well stand up and take the most direct approach you can think of. That, of course, is likely to make you even more of a target than before. Luckily for you, you’re a tough little Lion, and they probably won’t be able to do much more than slow you down (and perhaps wound your ego just a bit; that, too, however, should be sturdy enough to take it).

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Bugs don’t get glass. They’ll hurl themselves against it until they die, trying to reach the sun they see. Sadly, I’ve seen humans act like this, too. They’ll hit an obstacle they don’t quite understand and they’ll try the same thing again and again trying to get through it or past it, confounded and confused when they always fail. I root for the bee trapped behind the glass, and hope she’ll try moving two feet to the left, where the open window will allow her egress. I’m rooting for you, too. I hope you’ll soon stop doing the same thing you’ve done a thousand times before, which has never worked except by accident, and instead try something completely different and new.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It’s all about love and hate this week. Basically it’s a simple equation: you’ve got to use what you love to get through what you hate. Without keeping all the people and things you adore firmly in mind the entire time, you might not have the fuel and wherewithal to do what you’ve got to do and finally get it over with. They’re the weight on the other side of the scale that will keep you from going completely out of whack and falling down, hard. They’re also the ones who’ll be there for you when you’ve finally gotten the hard shit done, to comfort and celebrate with you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Worry, worry, worry! What are you, a Cancer? Since when did you become the zodiac’s chief Nervous Nellie? Sure, you’ve got problems. You’ve got fears. But you’ve never before let them eat away at you like this. Look at you, you’re all in a tizzy. I don’t mean to minimize your concerns; they’re legit. But please recognize that there’s very little you can do about them, at least right now, and, if it does anything at all, worrying is only likely to make everything worse. Do your best to take your mind off that shit and just enjoy what’s actually happening around you. Enlist some help if needed. I’m sure you know at least two people who’ll leap at the chance to distract you by any means necessary.


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