Tea Party whining begins somehow not unexpectedly.

T ea Partiers have gotten exactly what they should have expected from a candidate who runs on the platform of whining about Washington without having any actionable ideas.  Marco Rubio actually wrote on his blog:

 “I did not come to the U.S. Senate to be part of some absurd political theatre.” 






What the hell did you come to Washington for you jerk?!?  What’s the matter Marco?  Did you get a booboo from those mean older men in Washington?  Did they touch you right on your stupid sense of self-importance?  You can tell me, it’s safe.  No wait, let me guess what actually happened.

Mommy told you you had all kinds of great ideas and you should be President some day.  But nobody listened to you because your ideas are all so right wing and stupid that you’ll never get any kind of support from even conservative conservatives.  Waaaah, libertarianism is hard!  I can fix the entire world if Washington would stop for two seconds and everyone would just agree with me!  Why won’t the rest of the world do that for me?  Then the country went all stupid and freaked out about positive changes like a middle-ages southern woman who can’t handle the fact that they stopped producing the same over-priced, 1974, steel-belted radial FFF bra she’s been piling her excess breast, arm, and stomach rolls into for the last 20 years and there’s no way she can continue living, and elected you not because you’re special but because you seemed the least likely to actually change anything else, and you think this constitutes a national validation of your entire political philosophy.

Whiny. Piece. Of.  Donkey.  Shite. 

Seriously though, this is why every time you see a picture of Rand Paul he always looks like someone’s grandmother who disapproves of her granddaughter’s Nuva Ring-shaped clit piercing.  None of these Tea Partiers want to talk or deal with reality, because deep down they know none of their ideas are founded in it.  It’s like my friend who graduated from Northwestern as a mechanical engineer.  This is his experience:

“Every engineer should be required to build the things they design.  Almost infinitely predictably, the new guy always shows up with a perfectly functional concept except, oh wait, there’s no way to actually build it because there’s no screwdriver known to manthat can get a three-inch screw into in a 1 mm thick space.  Idiots.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to explain to new graduates that we don’t build things in the fantasy world of our imaginations, and after about three months they go from feeling like degree-mandated geniuses to realizing their true position as real-world maggots.  Christ, gimmie a cigarette.”

That’s what Marco Rubio and the rest of the Tea Partiers are figuring out.  They thought when they were elected they had some mandate to waltz into the big show, elimintate taxes and health care completely with a single vote, and roll the Presidential election back to a time when the Vice President was whoever came in second.  Sorry chaps, government doesn’t work like that.  Go back to your think tank and dream up all the ways you can save the world without actually having to worry about implementing them, because apparently all you like to do is hear yourselves talk.


Ben Tomkins is a violinist, teacher, journalist and critically acclaimed composer currently living in Denver, Colorado. He hates stupidity and generally believes that the volume of one’s voice is inversely proportional to one’s knowledge of an issue. Reach Ben Tomkins at BenTomkins@DaytonCityPaper.com.

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