The Docket

Dayton’s police blotter, reported verbatim

by Amanda Dee

The loads we carry
Two officers were dispatched to check on a public restroom. Witnesses on site reported someone had been in there for “an extended period of time.” One of the officers did what anyone would do to check on the status of a long-term bathroom denizen and knocked on the door. No answer. Right as the officer was about to open the door, a man emerged and walked away. The officer asked him what he was doing, to which the man responded, “I was taking a shit.”

Now you see me
A bank teller’s alarm sounded. Officers arrived to the scene and asked the employee on sight what had happened. She disclosed that “a dark colored man” in silver metallic sunglasses and camouflage pants approached her window and handed her a note. The word “robbery” was scrawled on the top of the page. She then looked at the deliverer of the note, who told her, “It was for real” and to give him the money. She gave him seven $100 bills before he disappeared. However, the camouflage pants provided the police officers with a lead to hunt down the suspect because camouflage print can’t hide you from the law (or in any setting that significantly lacks the colors of the print).

Infant trapped in man’s body
Two security guards at a residential building were on desk duty, when one of the residents drunkenly walked (or possibly stumbled) in. The man tried to slap hands with one of the guards, who refused. And the man didn’t like that. The man broke down into a fit of screams and yells. According to the report, he threatened to “kick both of their asses.” As he proceeded with his tantrum, the man edged closer and closer to the guards. The property manager came downstairs to help, but the man didn’t like that so much, either. He charged at her, backing her up against a wall—just as officers arrived. In the squad car and on camera, the man gave an “unsolicited spontaneous statement”: “I was going to kick their asses.”

Dicking it
A detective scheduled an interview with a man regarding an assault complaint and met him in the lobby of the building. Another man was also in the lobby, asking someone at the service window about a towed vehicle. Both of the men were sporting bright orange sweatshirts. The detective walked the man dealing with the assault complaint to another room to conduct the interview, but the man digressed and told the detective the other orange-sweatshirted man rode in the elevator with him and revealed he had stolen the security guard’s metal detector, which was currently shoved down his pants. The detective confirmed with the security guard that the metal detector was missing and called in reinforcements to confront the suspect. When the security guard asked the suspect if he had said metal detector, he said he did and it was in his pants. The man said he wasn’t really going to steal the metal detector—he was just borrowing it. After the guard informed him of his charges and told him it “wasn’t wise to take something from a police facility,” the man responded, “I’m a dumbass.”

Oh, no, please, not the Kamchatka
An employee watched as a man entered the store and walked up to a shelf, where Country Time lemonade and a bottle of Kamchatka rested in peace (probably for the better). He continued to watch as the man took his plunder to the back of the store and “snuck” it into his jacket. The employee stopped the man and recovered the bottles, which he returned to their indefinite resting place. Officers trespassed the man from the store. (Maybe everyone should have just let the man rid the place of the alcohol water.)

Last to be picked becomes picker
The suspect of this crime knew exactly what they wanted. The victim left his home in the morning to go to work. At work, his neighbor called him to tell him his garage door was gaping open, which he thought was strange since he waits to leave every day until the door shuts completely. When he got back home, the door was indeed wide open. Upon further inspection, he found his hockey bag and toolbox missing. Skates, helmet, tools … gone.

Reach DCP freelance writer Amanda Dee at

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Amanda Dee
Reach DCP Editor Amanda Dee at

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