By Michelle Strauss

Pissed off

Just a few weeks ago, someone broke into a local residence. The trespasser-turned-burglar began his raid, naturally, by peeing on the property. The man then proceeded to take the resident’s purse, which contained various credit cards and vital personal information. The robber then stole the resident’s on-hand cash and fled the scene.

The beef thief returns

At a local pharmacy, security footage caught a serious shoplifter on tape. This perp perused the aisles of the store and then started taking items from the shelves. The thief snagged several electronic devices and stored them in his pockets. The last item he stole was a rather large package of beef jerky. The suspect in question was stripped of the items he took by some of the other customers in the store. Now that’s what I call neighborhood watch.

Second time’s a charm

A local home was broken into twice within the past week. Police believe it to be the same perp during both of the robberies at this residence. The suspect during the second entry into the home, a few days ago, grabbed a single pair of shoes and, perhaps oddly, a large amount of quarters. Maybe this suspect desperately needs to take a quick run over to their local laundromat… Whatever the case may be, local police are on the case.

Ain’t no rest for the wicked

A local home was broken into on a hot and steamy Sunday afternoon. The couple that lives in the residence was out of the house and at their church when the deed was done. The two suspects in question stole a television, laptop, and various medications from the residence. These two suspects may find it necessary to repent before our boys in blue help them.

Cup o’ Joe

A few days ago, a car was parked beside the curb in front of a house. This story could go on like any normal summer day; however, this is not that kind of tale. Someone broke into the car, in broad daylight. The vehicle was left unlocked by the owner. A metal hubcap and scrapping items were taken from the inside of the vehicle. Perhaps the most interesting item stolen from the vehicle was—you guessed it—a coffeepot. This thief must’ve had an insatiable hankering for that caffeine pick-me-up. Although there are no suspects at this time, the police are on the lookout for a jittery fiend.


At a local grocery store, loss prevention employees summoned a woman for shoplifting. On this particularly begrudging and rather unforgiving afternoon, the woman saw it as the opportune time to snatch various packages of meat. While the woman placed several packages of meat into her purse, security cameras caught her in the act. Her plans for her (possibly Fourth-of-July) barbecue were ruined. The store’s security officers later located her in the parking lot, where they caught her red (meat) handed.

All made up

Last month, a seemingly harmless man entered his local pharmacy. The man went on his merry way to the cosmetics section of the store. There, things changed. He decided to shoplift. The perp began to fill his shirt and jacket pockets with various cosmetic products. And he kept these products in his pockets as he fled the store by foot. There are no suspects at this time for this make-up-aholic, but the police are on the lookout for a perp all dolled up, but sweaty. A little too sweaty.


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Reach Dayton City Paper freelance writer Michelle Strauss at

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