the Docket

Strange tales from Dayton’s police blotter

by Charles Grove

[Editor’s note: After hearing rumors of what could be found in the publicly accessible treasure trove of documents held at the Dayton Police Department, we at Dayton City Paper decided to do some investigating of our own. What we discovered alongside the serious, mundane and sometimes tragic reports were moments of human comedy, both in the actual events, and the way they are reported by the police. Now, Dayton City Paper crime reporter Charles Grove trudges relentlessly to the Police Department building downtown each week, hunched over the ancient computer terminal and accompanying dot-matrix printer to bring us the best of these stranger-than-fiction tales, straight from the source. If you like what you see, stay tuned, as The Docket will appear as our new regular weekly feature, beginning next week in our Law & Disorder section.]

A leg to stand on

Police responded to a call on Smithville Road about someone passed out in the parking lot of a Dairy Queen. The officers found a 53-year-old man asleep in his van, wearing only a T-shirt and a strong odor of alcohol. Police woke the man up and told him to put on his pants. The man told them he’d have to find them, and after the man looked for a few minutes, police discovered they were underneath the man’s feet. Officers asked him to step out of the car, but the man put both legs down one pant leg, causing him to fall out of the van face-first onto the blacktop.

Dangerously cheesy

A white male robbed the Walgreens on Smithville Road after bringing his item up to the front counter and having the cashier check him out. The man asked if he could pay by check and, after being told that was acceptable, he passed the cashier a note reading, “This is a robbery don’t mess with me.” He then told the cashier, “Don’t fuck with me” and ran off with the goods after the cashier backed away. The robber then fled down Smithville with his spoils – Chester’s Cheese Fries. Grand total: $1.

When ya gotta go…

A 25-year-old woman was arrested after deciding she just couldn’t hold it any longer during a traffic stop, in which she was already being cited for a suspended driver’s license. After her friend was allowed to use the restroom at the BP station where police stopped the vehicle, the woman followed suit, only she decided restrooms weren’t necessary. After squatting down between a trashcan and the police cruiser and urinating on the concrete in front of multiple police officers and pedestrians, the woman also now faces a charge of public indecency.

No breakfast?

A romantic night with a woman from Craigslist went awry in the morning when a 45-year-old man awoke to find his keys and his car missing from his apartment parking lot. After waiting a few hours to see if the lady who spent the night with him would bring the car back, the man finally decided to call police. The reporting officer discovered that in 2013, a prostitute had stolen the victim’s car after spending the night with him. The man concluded that allowing women he doesn’t know to spend the night at his place is probably not the best course of action in the future.

Our modern world

Officers responded to a Taco Bell in Dayton that told police a young male had come into the store and asked for a cup of water. The cashier gave the man a cup for free but witnessed the man fill the cup up with iced tea instead of water. Employees told the man to pour the drink out to which the male responded, “You’re really going to make me pour this out and waste it?” Employees told him yes, so he threw the drink at the wall telling the cashier, “You’re a racist bitch!” When police asked for his statement, the male said he was confused because water and iced tea came out of the same fountain and he had never seen anything like that before.

Priorities

Police responded to a complaint from a 66-year-old man claiming he had been robbed. The man told police his girlfriend came to his house needing to use the restroom and then asked for a glass of water. The man went to the kitchen to get the water and came back to find his girlfriend was missing, as were his keys, handcuffs and cell phone. The man said his girlfriend is a heroin addict and a prostitute. When asked by officers why he keeps her around the man responded, “She gives good head.”

Your wish is my arrest

Officers stopped a car on North Gettysburg Avenue after witnessing the car make several sudden lane changes with rapid acceleration. After discovering the driver’s driving privileges had been suspended, officers placed the man into the back of the cruiser and issued him several citations for driving under suspension, as well as for driving like a maniac. After releasing the man, officers informed him he needed to find another way to get to his house. The man decided it was best to stand in the street and yell at the officers, “I dare you to arrest me!” Officers then arrested him.

No good deed…

A fight over moral values broke out between a 50-year-old female, her gay cousin and his boyfriend. The female told officers she gave her cousin $5 out of her bra so they could go buy marijuana. However, when the couple returned to the house, they not only had purchased marijuana but also heroin, which they began cutting up on the kitchen counter. That crossed the line for the female who lashed out at the couple but was thrown down to the floor and kicked multiple times. The female told police she herself does not use drugs of any kind.

From the mouths of babes

Dayton Police responded to reports of a fight breaking out at the RTA hub downtown. Upon arriving, they found a large crowd gathered and attempted to disperse the bystanders. Officers tried to remove one young female who kept screaming, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” at the fighters and trying to antagonize those in the fight. Officers escorted her away in an attempt to calm her down. The woman continued screaming at police, “Fuck off!” and “Just take me to fucking jail!” When officers asked her how old she was, she responded, “Fucking 13!” Police later discovered the young woman had her release papers from the juvenile detention center fresh from that same day. She was arrested again that night on numerous charges.

Mouthing off

Officers discovered a 57-year-old man passed out at North Main and Helena with a strong alcoholic odor coming from him, and an open can of Olde English malt liquor next to him. After writing him a citation for public intoxication, officers offered him a ride to a shelter. While officers spoke with the employees of the shelter, the man announced he needed to use the restroom and began urinating in the back of the cruiser. Police told the man to stop, which he did, only to resume seconds later. After placing the man under arrest, the man told officers he was going to break their jaws, which also landed him a charge of menacing officers.

Anatomically inept

Officers responded to a complaint from a business at 1 a.m. from a man claiming he wanted everyone loitering removed from his property. Police began to break up the loiterers and gather information when they heard the sound of a man urinating on the pavement. Officers found a man with his penis exposed, making no attempts to conceal himself. Officers handcuffed the man who continued to urinate despite being handcuffed. The two friends the man was with were quoted saying, “What the fuck are you doing?” and “Your penis is all small.”

Put your hands where I can see ’em

Two women called police after seeing a man with his shorts down and his hand in his underwear downtown near the Reibold Building. The reporting officer saw the man with his shorts unbuttoned and his white boxers hanging out while standing on the corner. The officer asked the male if he had been masturbating, which he very rudely denied. The officer placed him in the cruiser and asked questions such as his address and who he lived with. Every response was met with “Suck a dick.” The male was taken to the Juvenile Justice Center.

Hide and seek

After a driver picked up a well-known prostitute on East Third Street, officers made a traffic stop when he failed to use a turn signal. Officers got both the male and female out of the car while the female screamed, “Tell them we know each other!” while the male yelled back, “I want my money back!” The male then told police he already paid her $20 and they were heading home to have sex. Police asked the prostitute where the $20 was and she pulled it from her vaginal area. After telling the prostitute she was going to jail and needed to remove all drugs from her person, officers had to remove a needle from her vagina as well.

Yes, you are

A Dayton Police officer was assisting a parking enforcement worker on a car that was to be towed for six unpaid parking tickets. When the tow truck arrived, the female owner of the car came out begging and screaming at the two not to tow her car because she was about to be evicted. While the parking enforcement worker explained the reasons for the tow, the female got in her car and rammed into the parking enforcement car. Police ordered her out of the car while the female screamed, “Am I going to jail?”

That’ll show him!

Officers responded to a domestic dispute call on Xenia Avenue after a woman slashed the tires and busted the windows of the car in front of her boyfriend’s home. Officers discovered the plates for the car were in the girlfriend’s name and the boyfriend told police he put the car in her name when his license was suspended. Officers told the couple the girlfriend was considered the owner of the car and she was destroying her own vehicle. The girlfriend also sustained injury to her finger from smashing the car windows.

Self-defecating humor

Officers responded to a report of a 56-year-old man defecating in the parking lot of a strip club on East Fifth Street. Upon arriving, they found a man in his car with two pairs of defecated underwear and several open beer cans. Several witnesses saw the man squat down near his car and then wipe himself with his underwear. Once out of the vehicle, the man had trouble standing and had a strong odor of alcohol. Officers then saw he had also defecated on the cowboy boots he was trying to put on, his jeans and along the driver’s side door to his car.

It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood

A 37-year-old man was arrested after police received a call about a man trying to break into a home. The residents of the home called police after a man broke through the front door but was kept out by the homeowner putting his entire weight into it. Residents from another house also said they called police about the same man, who tried to follow them into their house. After being told to get off the property, the man pulled down his jeans and shouted, “I have to take a shit!” before immediately pulling up his pants and walking away.

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Charles Grove
Reach DCP Docket Editor Charles Grove at TheDocket@DaytonCityPaper.com.

One Response to “the Docket” Subscribe

  1. Mac October 21, 2014 at 5:12 pm #

    Some of this approaches News of the Weird level, but a lot is just squalid. Reading about alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, homeless people’s and the crappiness of their lives isn’t too funny. It’s mostly just very sad and kind of exploitive. Maybe some more selectivity going forward is needed.

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