Archives | Benjamin Tomkins RSS feed for this section

Thoughts on the 10/18 debate

I actually watched the whole thing, and frankly it was fascinating.  Of all the f-king people on that panel, of all the least likeliest candidates to marginally impress me, you know who actually impressed me the most ? Newt F-king Gingrich. That’s right.  I said it.  He sounded like an old guy who doesn’t want to fart around any […]

Read More 0 Comments

Michelle Bachmann and HPV

*I recently realized I have been misspelling Michele Bachmann’s name.  This is because I hate her.  I will not be changing it in any previous work because I absolutely refuse to engage in any behavior that further validates her as a human being beyond what is necessary to point out the depth of her ignorance.  […]

Read More 0 Comments

Floyd Mayweather destroys Ortiz – or, Don’t be a Menace in the Ring while Drinking Your Juice on PPV.

A lot of people are pissed after last night’s Mayweather/Ortiz fight.  I agree.  They should be pissed.  One of the fighters in that ring shortened a $59.99 PPV event for 1.5 million people because instead of fight he decided he’d rather make out.  There is no porn on earth worth $59.99, especially on Saturday night when the […]

Read More 0 Comments

A Quick Note on Quixtar

Yes, it is a pyramid scheme.  Sorry.  The only difference between Quixtar and, say, an email chain letter fishing for idiots to send you their kids’ college funds, is that you make everyone in the pyramid switch from regular supermarket toilet paper to Amway brand toilet paper.  That’s how the cash keeps flowing.  Every poor […]

Read More 1 Comment

Ah, the Ponzi Scheme

Rick Perry.  Ponzi scheme.  I have this terrible suspicion that the Republican party is going to be very sorry for labeling Perry with that one if he actually wins the nomination and has to run for President.  Social Security is one of those sacred cows that occupies a…how do you say it…”strange” position in our political dynamic.  Everyone thinks […]

Read More 1 Comment

Shat Trek part 2: Courage in the Face of Illness

The filter through which William Shatner sees the world is so unbelievably distorting that he borders on schizophrenic.  He is literally the only person in the universe I can think of who can see a set of clear, undeniable events, and actually experience something totally, narcissistically different from the rest of humanity.  For instance, many […]

Read More 0 Comments

HTTAP – Bachmann’s $2 gas (simple)

Yes, there were lots of numbers in there.  I’ll give everyone a simple example of capitalistic forces. Coke costs, for simplicity, $1 a can.  Maybe it’s high, maybe it’s low, whatever.  You’ll quickly see this makes no substantive difference for my argument.  Coke sells 27,375,000,000 gallons a year.  That’s the equivalent of 292 billion cans a year.  […]

Read More 0 Comments

How to think about politics – Principle 1: Contemporary example. Michelle Bachmann’s $2 gas.

*I recently realized I have been misspelling Michele Bachmann’s name.  This is because I hate her.  I will not be changing it in any previous work because I absolutely refuse to engage in any behavior that further validates her as a human being beyond what is necessary to point out the depth of her ignorance.  […]

Read More 1 Comment

How to Think about Politics – Principle 1: Is it more important to think or to feel good about information?

I have my favorite news outlets.  NPR is nice.  I also like BBC, CNN, and I’m more than happy to read the NY Times and the Denver Post.  I feel that these news agencies are relatively objective in their portrayal of information, and relevant to local, national, and international affairs.  I believe this because over […]

Read More 1 Comment

How to Think about Politics – opening: You don’t have to be a genius

I am not a political genius.  I will be right up front with that one.  However, one very often feels like one has to be a savant or constantly read the newspapers and old history books in order to gain any kind of understanding of the constantly shifting political landscape which pervades our every waking moment.  While neither […]

Read More 0 Comments

The Hardest Low Blow in the History of Boxing

Perhaps some of you have heard of Andew Golota?  He was a giant Polish mofo who on several occasions contended for the heavyweight title back in the nineties.  He fought Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis, for the heavyweight championship of the world.  These fights went like this: Tyson/Golota:  Tyson W – KO 2 – Golota quits after […]

Read More 1 Comment

Santa Cruz hippies – Hit and Run

I wanted to add this on as a corollary to the Santa Cruz ass crack incident.  So my wife and I were driving into a rehearsal one morning, and I we were both pretty wiped out and grumpy because after about a week of constantly rehearsing new music you’re pretty tired.  I developed a new […]

Read More 0 Comments

Shat Trek part 1

I recently watched Wrath of Khan, and it’s probably the best movie ever made.  I swear to god, don’t even try to rationally address that.  You’ll just come off as annoying and it won’t change the fact that you’re wrong. Now, any time I watch Wrath of Khan, I’m struck by the fact that Shatner […]

Read More 6 Comments

Things Fred McDougall said that became much funnier as I got older and learned about history

To a roomfull of sixteen year old kids in the late 90’s:  “I hated Lyndon Johnson so much I campaigned for Barry Goldwater.” Us:  What? Fred: You heard me.  Barry Goldwater. Us: Sure…

Read More 0 Comments

The Horse Story

This story is like the Haley’s Comet of Fred McDougall stories.  Everyone knew about it, but only a scant few of us were ever lucky enough to hear Fred McDougall tell it himself.  It is the greatest single story I’ve ever heard, and retelling it has been a source of great pleasure in my life. […]

Read More 2 Comments

Fred McDougall and the Horse Story – a preamble

This one goes out to all the Troy High School students who had Fred McDougall for American History in high school.  I’m sure you all remember Fred if you were in his class.  He was a good teacher, and very interesting because he quoted Winston Churchill’s most offensive statements and threatened physical violence against slackers.  […]

Read More 0 Comments

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/19

L&D

Major key Last weekend a local couple was watching TV in their living room, having a relaxing evening, when suddenly […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/12

L&D

Jesus take the wheel A local couple recently decided to visit their church on a particularly warm and muggy Sunday […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/5

L&D

Flightless In a local park, police were dispatched to the crime scene. A woman called the police when she realized […]

The Docket: 8/29

285_2697643

Stolen in a nanosecond Just last week a woman visited her local sheriff’s office to place a tip on a […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 8/22

L&D

Totally secure knot …not In a local home a garage door was broken into. This garage door was perfectly secured […]