Archives | Benjamin Tomkins RSS feed for this section

A History of Depression

I feel that it is important to share this with whoever happens to come across it.  Maybe it will make a difference, who knows;  I never know how many people read these anyway. I don’t remember when the spiral started, only one day I looked up and realized that I was halfway down the pipe, staring at the […]

Read More 1 Comment

Santa Cruz has a lot of Hippies. And Butt Cheeks.

I just spent two blissful weeks in Santa Cruz, CA, and I must say that Surf City USA is the only place I can think of where a person can look one direction and see idyllic scenery, and turn the other direction and see the most destitute homeless hippies sifting through trash to lick out […]

Read More 3 Comments

First to use DVDA in print…Awesome.

For those of you who read my debate forum column on the economy recently, you probably noticed that I referenced the Tea Party and DVDA in the same sentence.  Here’s the exact quote: “Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and forward a political philosophy which has been sorely lacking since this […]

Read More 1 Comment

Old Lady Get’s Shoved, and the Universe Thinks it’s Justified

I’m back from Spain and I’m jetlagged like crazy.  Newark bumped us from our flight home on Wednesday night and made up take a 7 AM flight, thus robbing us of the opportunity to sleep off most of it.  Newark can suck my balls, by the way.  First off, it’s a {s-t} town in a […]

Read More 0 Comments

Security Guard Stories pt. 2

The following is an email sent to my brother and various other close friends in regards to ridiculous people I used to know.  Certain names and places have been altered because I don’t ever, ever want to have any contact with most of the people in this story.  Ever. Hello.  This email pertains to a […]

Read More 0 Comments

Ha! See if this is the tag line for you

This is the little bio line for another harsh, conservative opinion column masquerading as legitimate commentary on the front of FoxNews’ page: Michael Goodwin is a Fox News contributor and New York Post columnist. To continue reading his column on other topics, including Sarah Palin, click here. Yeah.  Can’t f-ing wait to check out his […]

Read More 0 Comments

FoxNews test of objectivity – replace “Obama” with “Reagan”

Fair and balanced huh?  A lot of you don’t know this, but the only reason Obama ordered the bin Laden hit was to garner political capital.  Oh yeah, political capital that was actually stolen from the years and years of groundwork GW Bush did in…Iraq.  Listen, I know a lot about not being objective.  I’ve […]

Read More 0 Comments

Perpetual Douchebag Syndrome

This one’s for the ladies.  Appendix A Perpetual Douchebag Syndrome is defined (by me) as a hateful, cyclical set of self-defeating, empty relationship skills that inevitably result in the sufferer whining to their emotionally stable and normal friends about how they always seem to end up dating douchebags.  It works something like this: A semi-naive […]

Read More 1 Comment

Security Guard Stories pt. 1

I don’t know why comedians works so hard to pull new material out of their butts.  As near as a I can tell, the funniest stuff in the universe is already being played out every day by collections of moderately-to-severely disturbed/bitter/hateful/annoying/sociopathic troves of pure comedy genius roaming the face of the planet completely unaware of their super […]

Read More 1 Comment

God the Father?

This has been bugging me for a long time, and I’ve only recently been able to put my finger on it.  I’ve got a really good friend who’s mom is turbo Christian.  Like, ridiculously Christian.  She’s one of those Christians who always seems to find a way in every single conversation to kick over some […]

Read More 0 Comments

Why people get hit

Hi. I’ve decided to start a new thread dealing with what stupid things we’ve all done that had absolutely no need to happen other than our own personal stupidity. Ideally, someone gave you a smack, but it’s OK if you just jacked up your car or destroyed your house. Please add on as you see […]

Read More 0 Comments

Tea Party whining begins somehow not unexpectedly.

Tea Partiers have gotten exactly what they should have expected from a candidate who runs on the platform of whining about Washington without having any actionable ideas.  Marco Rubio actually wrote on his blog:  “I did not come to the U.S. Senate to be part of some absurd political theatre.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….. HAHAHAHAHA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA! WHAT […]

Read More 3 Comments

My wife and Chinchillas

Early on in our relationship it became very clear that my wife had an absurd love of animals.  And worms.  And rocks that we had become familiar with.  And mold that reminded her of something.  Basically anything that could be even remotely construed as a “pet.”  This comes from her upbringing in a house where […]

Read More 0 Comments

Communication Skills 1 – How to run people off the road who suck

Humans seem to have this ridiculous notion that we are a chosen species that fell out of the sky in a perfectly designed, conceptually ideal construction, and ever since that time we have lived in villages and cities with Starbucks, blacksmiths, and community centers which have remained essentially unchanged since the dawn of our creation. […]

Read More 0 Comments

Hmm. Who doesn’t belong?

Headlines today, 3/1/11 CNN: The facts vs. Moammar Gadhafi BBC: Refugee crisis on Libya’s west border MSNBC: As clashes flare, Iranian security forces fire tear gas at protesters NPR: Libya Risks Slide Into ‘Protracted Civil War,’ U.S. Says New York Times:Powerful Cleric Joins Protest to Urge Islamic Rule in Yemen Washington Post: Rebels hold off […]

Read More 1 Comment

Sylvester Stallone Can’t Fight

I read an interesting story recently about former #1 Heavyweight contender Earnie Shavers.  Apparently, when Stallone was casting for Rocky III he was considering, among other people, Earnie Shavers for the role of Clubber Lang.  Now, a lot of people don’t know this but Stallone used to consider himself quite a boxer in his early years, which is obviously where he […]

Read More 6 Comments

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/19

L&D

Major key Last weekend a local couple was watching TV in their living room, having a relaxing evening, when suddenly […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/12

L&D

Jesus take the wheel A local couple recently decided to visit their church on a particularly warm and muggy Sunday […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 9/5

L&D

Flightless In a local park, police were dispatched to the crime scene. A woman called the police when she realized […]

The Docket: 8/29

285_2697643

Stolen in a nanosecond Just last week a woman visited her local sheriff’s office to place a tip on a […]

Law & Disorder: The Docket 8/22

L&D

Totally secure knot …not In a local home a garage door was broken into. This garage door was perfectly secured […]