Violence has arrived

Violence has arrived

Gwar ready to battle at Bogart’s

By Gary Spencer

 Photo: Gwar brings their “bloodiest, sickest disaster” to Bogart’s in Cincinnati on Nov. 7

According to legend, a small group of violent, hate-fueled alien beasts known as the Scumdogs of the Universe once terrorized a galaxy far, far away millions of years ago. But the Scumdogs eventually became so ruthless and defiant they necessitated a punishment so harsh and were banished to the most vile, stinking mudball planet in the solar system – Earth.

Millions of years passed and, as global warming began to take effect, these alien monsters thawed from the ice and began to walk the planet with one simple goal in mind: the killing and eradication of the human race. These creatures devised a plan to meet this lofty goal: the hypnotization of humans with the inviting sounds of heavy metal music. Armed with musical instruments, the aliens formed the band known as Gwar and began leaving a path of torture and blood everywhere they went.

It’s hard to believe that Gwar has been spewing their heavy metal smut for over 25 years, but the world’s first openly extra-terrestrial mutant rock band is still walking this toilet known as Earth desecrating world leaders, ripping fetuses out of the pregnant, committing public acts of sexual perversion, feeding slaves to the maggot monster and leaving puny humans soaked in blood and alien jizz all over the globe. Gwar has also churned out some headbang-worthy heavy metal records as well. Despite the passing of long-time guitarist Flattus Maximus, their newest studio platter Battle Maximus is one of their fiercest works to date, balancing the crude humor they’re infamous for with thrashtastic tunes aimed directly at the mosh pit. Plus a dash of fist-pumping rock n’ roll catchiness and fun. Apparently, in the modern age even monsters from outer space now have cell phones, so this reporter was actually able to have a conversation with Gwar vocalist and leader Oderus Urungus about Gwar’s current plots for destruction and what the next 25 years might hold for the self-proclaimed “sickest band in metal history.”

Gwar has been pursuing the destruction of the human race for over 25 years. How close is Gwar to that goal after all this time?

We’re actually going backwards! It’s getting harder and harder. We’re not using nuclear bombs – we like to use our hands, medieval weapons, torture … things like that. You’re creating more humans faster than we can kill you, and that really sucks for us. But if we wiped everyone out, we wouldn’t have an audience. It’s a real dilemma. I have a love/hate relationship for you guys – kind of like having a retarded child. -Oderus Urungus

If Gwar hates humans so much, why don’t you find another planet to inhabit?

This is the only planet in the entire universe that has crack. That’s the whole reason we stay here.  Every once in a while we like to take a pleasure cruise to the rings of Saturn or the Planet Cholesterol, but we eventually end up coming back here. But we also feel responsible for you – for killing you, of course, but we’ve found out some humans are better than others – like Jacques Cousteau for instance.  -OU

So you’ve maimed many a celebrity on stage over the years. How do you manage to convince these A-listers to show up at Gwar shows not being aware of what awaits them?

We lie! I’m a shapeshifter and a conjurer and necromancer of the hideous. It’s easy to make people believe they’re going to the symphony or some fancy dinner with Barack Obama. If they don’t fall for that, we send out a party of armed slaves, and if that fails we’ll grab ’em ourselves. -OU

What’s the concept behind your newest album, Battle Maximus?

We’re telling stories about our newest archenemy Mr. Perfect – a creature that has traveled from the future to steal from Gwar the secret to eternal life which is located, of course, in my nutsack. If you don’t have a magnifying glass to read it just come to the show and you’ll get it.  Heh heh, “get it.” -OU

I heard about the petition on Change.org to get Gwar to perform at the Super Bowl.  What’s your reaction to that?

So many emotions hit me, I decided I didn’t care at all. Even if every single person in the world and their pet signed this petition Gwar would never be invited to play the Super Bowl. With that said, it stands as a cultural middle finger raised to putting on the crappiest, most corporatized mass-produced pop acts possible on what is the world’s largest musical venue. Maybe they’ll get the message, or if not I’ll fucking kill them all. -OU

Anything else you’d like to say to our readers?

You gotta come to the Bogart’s show. Even the most hardcore Gwar fan will tell you it’s the bloodiest, sickest disaster that they’ve ever witnessed.  -OU

So you’re saying that your new live show is the sickest, bloodiest, most violent ritual you’ve ever staged?

Without a doubt. I haven’t met one fan that said, “Oh gee, you had more blood last time!” There’s always some asshole saying that. And they get a sword to the head.  -OU

 

Gwar will perform on Thursday, Nov. 7 at Bogart’s, 2621 Vine St. in Cincinnati. Tickets are $19 in advance and the show is all ages. For more information please visit gwar.net.  

 

Reach DCP freelance writer Gary Spencer at GarySpencer@DaytonCityPaper.com.

 

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